Hey everyone! Last week Hunting Guy struck a nerve with me when mentioning one of my other rabid passions outside of the law and writing: magic. So this week, I’m going to try and start your new year off with a dose of love, good luck, or whatever else you may need!
You’re about to experience Woody Aragon’s “Love Ritual,”* which many magicians, including Penn, Teller, and myself, have used repeatedly in shows to great effect. If you follow all my instructions, you’ll have a piece of magic you can do in your own home that will bring you good luck or make you lucky in love in 2022.
Trust me. I’m a middle-aged crazy man on the Internet selling you a magic love ritual. How much more 2022 does this need to get?
Anyway, let’s start by getting some playing cards. You’re going to want an old deck, because you will wreck these cards before you’re done. Or you’re going to want a cheap deck, because you’ll wreck some cards. Hey, no one ever said love came easy!
So first, take four cards from the deck you don’t mind tearing up. Make sure the cards have different faces, but the same backs.
Now shuffle the four cards, but don’t look at them. The outcome of this must be like love—completely random and unexpected.
Next, hold the cards long ways in your hands and tear the four cards in half. Just like broken-hearted couples tear pictures of themselves with loved ones in two. There you go.
Now place the remaining pieces in the left hand on top of the right, or the right’s pieces on top of the left. As Woody Aragon says, that’s the thing about love. It doesn’t care about politics.
You should have a small “deck” of pieces. Cut them and complete. Since a couple “cuts” their bond when severing a relationship, you’re going to do the same here.
Next, make a small fan with the pieces of card in your left hand. Take the three top pieces together with your right hand and place them somewhere in the middle.
Square everything up. Now take the top piece. Don’t look at it. Just set it aside in your pocket or wallet. Almost like a lover would do, keeping a picture of their love close to them.
Make a fan one more time. Take the upper piece and lose it in the middle of the fan. Do it again one more time with two pieces if you wish. Again if you feel like it. As Woody Aragon says, “That’s what happens when men try to understand women, they always end up lost!”
Now let’s make this really complicated (and aren’t all relationships?). Take the top one to three pieces and either lose them in the middle of the fan, or throw them away.
Now I’m writing this out as I type this. There’s no way anyone reading this could know what cards you have and what you’ve tossed or lost.
My point is that you’ve cut, shuffled, lost pieces in the middle of the stack, and you’ve made a total mess out of everything. If you’re a man, this is common for your in relationships. If you’re a woman reading this, I hope you’ve got a touch of empathy for what the men in your life experience.
Now we want to prepare ourselves for a full week of love, luck, whatever you’re going for. So take the top piece of card and transfer it to the bottom. Start with “Sunday,” and end your count on “Saturday.”
We’ve now pushed ourselves through a week of messy, broken, cut, shuffled, and lost relationships. So the one thing that can bring us back from redemption is the picture in our pocket and the love in our lives, right?
Take the first piece on your pile, say “She/He Loves me,”** and place it on the bottom. Now take the second piece, say “She loves me not,” and cast that fucker aside! Begone, unloving demons!
Keep going with this “She loves me (put on bottom)”, “She loves me not (cast aside)” until you’ve got one piece in your hands.
Now take it, and take the half you placed in your pocket later, and then put the two halves together. One of two things will happen.
1) Congratulations! The half of the card you saved matches the card half in your hand. You’re going to be lucky or in love in the next year!
2) The halves didn’t match? Then I guess you’re an asshat who can’t follow directions, and you’ll die lonely, unloved, and never winning at life.
Happy Friday everybody! Hopefully you enjoyed this brief interlude of magic, and it brought a smile to your face. No matter how your week’s gone, at least you were able to follow instructions and get lucky or in love this year!
Unless you didn’t follow directions.
Anyway, we’ll see you next week!
*With love and apologies to Spain’s Woody Aragon, who first created this and from whom Penn & Teller (and I) culturally appropriated the routine.
**The She/He is used here once to be gender inclusive. We don’t judge at the Friday Funny.