Seaton: Thoughts On McMahon’s #MeToo

If the last two years taught us anything, it’s that just when you think life can’t get any weirder, life will stare you straight in the eye and say “Hold my silly-string flavored beer.”

Last week I made a bunch of bad jokes about an incident where a Washington Post reporter got suspended without pay for retweeting a joke. Then this week I find out Vince McMahon, the 76-year-old billionaire at the helm of professional wrestling giant WWE, is stepping down from his roles as Chairman of the Board and CEO due to an alleged $3 million hush money payout made to a former paralegal.

On June 15, the Wall Street Journal reported WWE’s board of directors launched an investigation into the $3 million payment and accompanying NDA involving a former WWE employee with whom McMahon had some sort of sexual relationship. According to emails sent to the board by a friend of the 41-year-old paralegal, the $3 million payment was made after Vince and longtime lawyer Jerry McDevitt convinced her to take the money and stay silent about the affair. Allegedly terrified, the woman consented to the hush money payment and NDA.

Since publication of the Wall Street Journal article, Vince McMahon and subordinate John Laurinaitis, who’s also under investigation as Vince allegedly passed the paralegal to Laurinaitis “like a toy,” have stepped down from their company roles as Chairman, CEO and Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. They are replaced by Stephanie McMahon, Vince’s daughter, and longtime company employee Bruce Pritchard in their respective roles.

Vince McMahon and his legal team aren’t denying the affair or the payout. They claim the relationship was “consensual” and that the $3 million came from Vince’s own personal money, not WWE. What they’re leaving out is the paralegal came onboard in 2020 with an initial salary of $100,000 that was doubled the moment she began servicing McMahon in other ways besides getting coffee orders right.

As of this writing, things look grim for Vince and Johnny “Ace” Laurinaitis. Vince has maintained control of the company’s creative direction, but how much leeway he’ll be given remains to be seen. Laurinaitis is probably done in WWE at this point and probably will never work in the wrestling business again.

Four separate law firms have announced intent to file class action lawsuits on behalf of WWE shareholders alleging “breach of fiduciary duty.”

Obviously McMahon and Laurinaitis should be given a chance at a full and fair investigation, and be allowed to present any evidence necessary on their behalf to clear their names if necessary.

If any of you thought for one second I was about to let a down-on-his-luck billionaire responsible for ruining something I enjoyed quite a bit go without a good kicking, well it’s as if you don’t know me at all.

With that, let’s set the Smartass timer for two minutes* and see what we come up with.

*All those references by Vince to his “grapefruits,” his status as a “genetic jackhammer,” and his multiple on-screen affairs with WWE female talent are really starting to look like foreshadowing now.

*Vince’s best defense is “I didn’t screw the secretary. The secretary screwed the secretary.” Hey it worked once before…no reason to mess with a classic!

*Apparently in publicly traded companies yelling at the talent and telling them they’re worthless sons of bitches who will never draw a dime in the business is forbidden, but fucking the secretary is perfectly acceptable.

*It remains to be seen if this unnamed paralegal will be working as the special guest referee for Vince’s “Viagra on a Pole” match with Laurinaitis at SummerSlam.

*In case some of you are doubting me, the “Viagra on a Pole” match was a real thing at one point in time.

*Vince’s backstage remarks about imagining his female talent in “white cotton panties” has to come back to bite him on the ass at this point. Seriously.

*There’s not much to investigate when you really think about it. It’s standard practice in the wrestling business to fuck everybody in some fashion.

*Stephanie’s returning from a leave of absence to serve as Interim Chair and CEO. She initially took her leave of absence back in April so she would’ve known about this investigation while she decided to step back from her job. Oh to be a fly on the wall right now in her household…

*I knew Vince and his wife Linda were estranged but we really didn’t need to see this play out in the pages of the Wall Street Journal with everything going on in the world, did we?

*Vince’s son Shane has got to be laughing his ass off right now and thanking the good Lord above he didn’t end up doing anything in the family business other than work a few matches.

*Five will get you ten Stephanie’s husband Paul is telling her repeatedly at night “I could’ve made it look like an accident for years now and it wouldn’t have hurt the stock price one bit.”

*Vince needs a new saying. Instead of “Pronouns, pal, they’re a thing” maybe he should switch over to discussing the joys of multiple NDAs signed by who knows how many female employees.

*How many women have taken a Plane Ride from Hell with the boss?

*There’s a 30 year age difference in that “consensual relationship.” Maybe the three million was agreed on as a million for each decade in age this paralegal was willing to look the other way for?

*Finally, WWE President Nick Khan has to be rooting for this to be the magic bullet that puts Vince out of the company and sends him to the top. Then things will be just like the territory days with a Khan running all the shows!

Yes, I ended on a very bad pun. It’s kind of a thing this week.

Happy Friday, everybody! Enjoy your weekend, and hopefully you won’t be sweating your grapefruits off in 100 degree weather like me! Unless that’s your thing, then enjoy!

And don’t forget, no matter how bad you’ve had it this week at least a middle aged crazy man on the internet isn’t making fun of you for losing your job over screwing someone thirty years your junior! Which I’m totally not doing to Vince McMahon at all. No. This is an impressively masculine feat, bagging someone half your age.

I kid. I kid. We’ll see you next week everybody!

*I may have fibbed on the two minutes. This was a little too much fun.

17 thoughts on “Seaton: Thoughts On McMahon’s #MeToo

  1. JAV

    Thanks for the laugh, and letting me know I’m not the only adult out there who follows pro wrestling enough to follow the story and get the references.

  2. Richard Parker

    If Vince is 76 and screwing someone 30 years younger then the other party is about 45. Hardly a child. More likely “I am Woman, Hear me Roar!!!”

    1. CLS

      She was 41 and it’s still just damned disgusting.

      At least she got $3 million for her efforts.

  3. LY

    Hey, hats off to a septuagenarian who can keep up with a woman 30 years younger. Man’s got to still have some stamina left.

        1. CLS

          The Smartass Timer ran out before I got to it, and the incident to which you refer is a double cross, not a “screwjob.”

    1. CLS

      Funny you should mention that…there actually used to be a wrestler who called his finish the “Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am.”

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