It was the time of year when most folks gave thanks for what they had, stuffed themselves, and watched a bit of football in the evening after a good meal. In Sheriff Roy’s household, however, the mood was tense as Arlene sat out place cards the Sheriff didn’t particularly care for.

“ROY TEMPLETON. PRONOUNS HE/HIM/HIS” read the Sheriff’s place card. Continue reading →

[Note: Since the subject of today’s piece lacks any sense of humor and I’m not trying to get arrested, today’s content is brought to you by the word “Parody.” P-A-R-O-D-Y is the defens—I mean the excuse for today’s jokes. Parody. Back to it—CLS]

Good day to all the Simple Justice readers out there. I am Sergeant Bruce D. Cthunts, Public Information Officer for the Parma, Ohio Police Department. I want to take a moment to thank Chris Seaton and Scott Greenfield, two fine men of American letters, great public intellectuals, and snappy dressers to boot, for giving me the space today to address the incident that has our Department’s name in national news again. Continue reading →

[Note: I originally started writing this after the Bucs lost to the Green Bay Packers last Sunday. With tongue planted firmly in cheek and head fully up my ass, I neglected to even consider the potential damage Hurricane Ian could do to the area.

I hope everyone reading this from Tampa is safe and sound during this tumultuous weather event. Please forgive your humble humorist as he gives a quarterback on his retirement tour one good kicking today—CLS] Continue reading →

It’s that special time of year again in Knoxville. The time when loyal Vols fans get their bail funds ready and select the proper bottle of mustard to sneak into Neyland Stadium. Trash talking’s been heavy since Sunday morning and Rocky Top’s favored by 6.5 points.

Tomorrow, dear readers, is Florida day. The day when my beloved Vols take on the University of Florida Gators in the hallowed halls of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville. Continue reading →

“Cheap Heat” is a professional wrestling term used to describe a throwaway remark or action by a performer that requires little effort and is guaranteed to elicit a negative crowd reaction. Examples of this would be wiping one’s ass with a Josh Allen jersey in Buffalo or reminding the fine people of Jacksonville their football team’s never going to win a Super Bowl.

The use of cheap heat by conservative commentator Matt Walsh on his Daily Wire Plus show is especially galling, considering Matt’s schtick would fit right in if he were a heel wrestling manager back in the territories. I’m talking specifically today about a clip my mean-ass editor assaulted me with Wednesday night where Walsh took issue with Disney casting a young black girl in the lead of the live-action “Little Mermaid” remake. Continue reading →

Dear Unnamed Developers Of Professional Executive Software (I’m calling you DOPES for short going forward):

I’ve been a regular user of one of your products for about five years now in my business. It was a perfectly fine piece of cloud-based software that allowed me to quickly access records, print reports I needed to send out to get paid, and generally manage the day to day affairs of my business. Continue reading →

Let’s begin this week with some observations I’ve made over the course of last week’s visits to the grocery store.

First, our society has become a lawless hellscape run by thugs, the likes of which haven’t been seen since “Mad Max.”

Second, people clearly haven’t been taught proper grocery store etiquette. Continue reading →

We all know “Karen” is a pejorative these days, usually describing an overbearing white woman who threatens to call someone’s manager if she doesn’t get her way on a specific issue.

Here’s a little known fact: Karens don’t have to be female. Men can be Karens too. I know this because last week I accidentally Karen’d my son’s teacher. Continue reading →

PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRIDAY FUNNY:

Some things in life couldn’t be compromised on, the Sheriff decided that day.

Those things were the rule of law, the US Constitution, quiet dishwashers and functional central air.

NOW, ON WITH TODAY’S INSTALLMENT: Continue reading →

Sheriff Roy Templeton finally had a day off. He’d told Deputy Miranda, his second in command, to hold all calls for the day unless the matter was nothing short of an active shooter scenario. Settling into his easy chair, Mud Lick’s top cop prepared to open his copy of Peter Thiel’s “Zero to One” and finally let the tension in his shoulders and neck release.

That’s when a loud buzzing noise emanating from the kitchen threatened to severely damage Sheriff Roy’s calm. Continue reading →