Last week was vacation. We’d been looking forward to this for a while, as everyone in the office was extremely overworked.

My business partner was headed to the Dominican Republic for a week with family.

I had plans to do two things: jack and shit. Continue reading →

Hello all you beautiful people! Yes, it’s still me, but I’m feeling quite chipper this week as I’m finally on vacation for the first time in months. Real vacation. Not having to be nice to in-laws, not having to take the kids to various destination spots—I get to do shit that I want to do.

So naturally after catching up on some sleep, I decided to watch a movie I’d never have an interest in seeing otherwise. Paramount Plus, which I got a subscription for the Halo TV series, apparently has Johnny Knoxville’s latest cinematic endeavor, “Jackass Forever,” on the platform, so this week I’m going to share my notes with you while I watch it.

There will be SPOILERS aplenty, so stop reading now if you want to actually watch this.* Otherwise, read on. I’m subjecting myself to this abuse for you people. Continue reading →

I recently told the following joke to my wife, which went completely over her head:

“A boy is sitting on the side of the road, shaking a bottle of turpentine and watching the bubbles in the liquid. A priest walks by, and asks the boy what he’s doing.

“Father,” says the boy, “this is turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world.”

“Why dear boy, you’re mistaken!” the Priest says. “The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. You can rub it on a pregnant lady’s belly and she’ll have a healthy child!” Continue reading →

Let’s start this week with a confession. I’m not a big pre-screener of the stuff my kids watch. Usually I’m just too busy to watch everything they consume, so I kind of tend to trust parental filters and monitors to do the work for me.

Hoo boy, was I ever wrong to do that.

My daughter loves this one particular show called “Yo Gabba Gabba.” It’s a kids’ show, so it can’t be all that bad, right? And the people who run the summer camp my daughter attends have tapes of the show they play during TV hours, so it’s got to be at least educational and wholesome, right? Continue reading →

It’s time once again for a collection of musings, observations, opinions, and ramblings, all offered by a visually-impaired middle-aged crazy man on the Internet. As such, none of these should be taken seriously. Unless, of course, you agree with me.

I learned this week “Ogentroost” is the name of a Dutch metal band. It also sounds like some kind of obscure liver disease. Continue reading →

“I feel like our job as a group of documentarians trying to cover this very delicate issue was to do what we’re always trying to do, which is tell the truth. Let’s hear everybody out. And then let’s let the audience decide for themselves what’s true and what’s not true or what’s right and what’s wrong.”—“Cheer” director Greg Whitely (emphasis mine)

It’s funny reading a comment like that from a documentary filmmaker. One of my problems with that genre, specifically in the realm of criminal justice issues, is the tendency to take nuanced issues and present them as unvarnished truth. When the director’s eye turns its gaze toward what makes a story pop for the camera, concepts like the presumption of innocence become evanescent. Continue reading →

Happy Friday! Here are a few short jokes for your consideration, two of which I will make no bones about being completely awful.

Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali and Yo-Yo Ma go out to dinner. They ask the waiter, “How is the mahi-mahi?” “So-so.” “Then we’ll have the cous-cous.”

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Hey everyone! Last week Hunting Guy struck a nerve with me when mentioning one of my other rabid passions outside of the law and writing: magic. So this week, I’m going to try and start your new year off with a dose of love, good luck, or whatever else you may need!

You’re about to experience Woody Aragon’s “Love Ritual,”* which many magicians, including Penn, Teller, and myself, have used repeatedly in shows to great effect. If you follow all my instructions, you’ll have a piece of magic you can do in your own home that will bring you good luck or make you lucky in love in 2022. Continue reading →

The holidays were quite the experience this year. Usually we go all out to make the kids’ Christmas special. It is, after all, a special time of year for everybody. This year was markedly different, however, as we planned to take the kids to my wife’s family home in Vermont.

We hadn’t seen this side of the family in two years due to, you know, the whole pandemic thing. I’m blessed to have the family I do. Somehow I tricked them all into thinking I’m this incredibly nice guy and my wife’s lucky to have married me.

I’m not joking. That’s basically what the last birthday card my in-laws sent me said to the letter. Continue reading →

Welcome to 2022! We made it through the year in which “Mad Max” was to occur and there’s no signs of any roving motor gangs terrorizing wastelands. Yet.

Admittedly, the bar was very low this year compared to the absolute dumpster-fire of a shitshow that was 2020. That doesn’t mean 2021 wasn’t without its milestone achievements, like killing off the scientific method’s credibility in favor of “THE SCIENCE!” Continue reading →