Dear Unnamed Developers Of Professional Executive Software (I’m calling you DOPES for short going forward):

I’ve been a regular user of one of your products for about five years now in my business. It was a perfectly fine piece of cloud-based software that allowed me to quickly access records, print reports I needed to send out to get paid, and generally manage the day to day affairs of my business. Continue reading →

Let’s begin this week with some observations I’ve made over the course of last week’s visits to the grocery store.

First, our society has become a lawless hellscape run by thugs, the likes of which haven’t been seen since “Mad Max.”

Second, people clearly haven’t been taught proper grocery store etiquette. Continue reading →

We all know “Karen” is a pejorative these days, usually describing an overbearing white woman who threatens to call someone’s manager if she doesn’t get her way on a specific issue.

Here’s a little known fact: Karens don’t have to be female. Men can be Karens too. I know this because last week I accidentally Karen’d my son’s teacher. Continue reading →

PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRIDAY FUNNY:

Some things in life couldn’t be compromised on, the Sheriff decided that day.

Those things were the rule of law, the US Constitution, quiet dishwashers and functional central air.

NOW, ON WITH TODAY’S INSTALLMENT: Continue reading →

Sheriff Roy Templeton finally had a day off. He’d told Deputy Miranda, his second in command, to hold all calls for the day unless the matter was nothing short of an active shooter scenario. Settling into his easy chair, Mud Lick’s top cop prepared to open his copy of Peter Thiel’s “Zero to One” and finally let the tension in his shoulders and neck release.

That’s when a loud buzzing noise emanating from the kitchen threatened to severely damage Sheriff Roy’s calm. Continue reading →

Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the 40 year Chairman of the Board and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, retired last Friday, marking a pivotal change in the world of professional wrestling.

Vince’s “retirement” at age 77 in the company he helped turn into the largest North American professional wrestling promotion largely had to do with two things. The first was a Board of Directors investigation into several NDAs signed by former WWE employees Vince had sexual relationships with over a span of 20 years. The amount paid in exchange for these signed NDAs was over $12 million out of Vince’s personal piggybank. Continue reading →

Hi everyone! I hope you’re having a great start to your Friday. This week I learned about something rather interesting concerning a company called CoreCivic. In case you’re not familiar with them, CoreCivic is one of the largest private prison companies in the nation. They run a facility in my home state called the Trousdale Turner Correctional Center.

Trousdale is, to put it nicely, a shithole. It isn’t properly staffed, the inmates have free run of the entire facility, and one ended up dead because the Subway Sandwich Shop trained hacks couldn’t be bothered to actually conduct regular cell or pod inspections. Continue reading →

Madison Cornbread was a petite, pretty young 22-year-old woman who had the world in front of her. Though life in Driftwood County was rather dull for someone her age, soon she planned to start classes at the University of Alabama. She’d been saving up through various odd jobs, including babysitting.

Things were starting to go her way. She’d been out the night before at the Grassy Knoll Pub celebrating with friends, met a cute guy, and went back to his place. Now, at about ten in the morning, Madison drove towards her parents’ home where she planned to clean up before getting to the day’s needed events. Continue reading →

An uneventful night at the Grassy Knoll Pub got interesting when Jesse Custer, the proprietor and bartender, noticed droplets of water on the bar forming letters.

The letters formed words. The words a sentence.

Specifically one that read “I DESIRE A DRINK-M.”

Time to make good on that promise, Jesse thought. Raising his voice above the noisy jukebox, he yelled “Pay for your shit and get out! We’re closed!” Continue reading →

If the last two years taught us anything, it’s that just when you think life can’t get any weirder, life will stare you straight in the eye and say “Hold my silly-string flavored beer.”

Last week I made a bunch of bad jokes about an incident where a Washington Post reporter got suspended without pay for retweeting a joke. Then this week I find out Vince McMahon, the 76-year-old billionaire at the helm of professional wrestling giant WWE, is stepping down from his roles as Chairman of the Board and CEO due to an alleged $3 million hush money payout made to a former paralegal. Continue reading →