Jesse Custer was never one to celebrate Christmas. This year, however, Tulip made a convincing case The Grassy Knoll Pub should be decorated in a festive manner to attract “holiday traffic.”

So one December morning, Christmas lights replaced the yarn on the conspiracy theory boards. At one end of the bar sat a plastic replica of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. A Santa hat adorned the alien head on one wall. Continue reading →

Ed. Note: Who doesn’t fight with loved ones at some point during the holidays? Fault Lines alumni Mario Machado and Chris Seaton seem to love arguing with each other, so they put a debate topic on Twitter, and with over sixty percent of the vote, SJ readers chose “Resolved: Die Hard is a Christmas Movie” as the SJ Holiday Debate topic. Chris will argue the affirmative, Mario the negative. Below is Chris’ argument.

Ah, Christmas. A time when we hang the stockings by the chimney, put decorations on the tree, and watch Hans Gruber fall to his death from Nakatomi Tower to celebrate the season.

Hey, some people go for “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” or “It’s A Wonderful Life.” There’s no denying, however, that Bruce Willis’ action classic “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie. Continue reading →

With music provided by Tom Lehrer

Christmas time is here by golly, disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly, fill the cup and don’t say when Continue reading →

When we last left your humble humorist, he was touring Uzbekistan helping legless pig farmers resettle into their native homeland. Vowing a vacation on his return, we now rejoin our intrepid adventurer…

SHG:

This is the worst vacation ever, and I had to spend an entire week with the in-laws once.

So the IDEA was for me to return from Uzbekistan to the States by way of Florida, where I would meet my family and enjoy a nice little beach trip prior to Thanksgiving. Continue reading →

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Friday Funny to bring you my unsolicited thoughts on the second season of “Tiger King,” the Netflix docuseries about a gay meth-head country singer who once owned a bunch of tigers.

The following will contain plenty of SPOILERS (which I am advised I’m to type in all caps for those who believe such warnings necessary), so if you’re really interested in taking in the whole experience for yourself, come back to this post after watching the five episodes. For the rest of you with better things to do, read on! Continue reading →

Dear SHG:

Greetings from an undisclosed location in Southeast Asia!

I think you got a little confused when I emailed you last about me taking time off from the Friday Funny. I didn’t say anything about “finding inner peace.” That part of the email actually said “striving for synergy.” It’s okay, I misread things sometimes too.

Anyway, I’m overseas right now with an NGO helping repatriate legless Uzbekistani pig farmers. It’s a bigger problem than you’d think! Continue reading →

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth Tuesday, when progressive and leftist campaigns suffered losses in election races around the country, top Democratic strategists met Wednesday and Thursday to discuss how the party would regroup for the 2022 midterms.

“I don’t understand why we didn’t handily win Virginia,” one strategist sulked. “We did everything right! We told the concerned parents they were crazy racists who bought into conspiracy theories Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson peddle nightly!” Continue reading →

Prefatory note: Someone apparently had a rotten couple of weeks at the National School Board Association. My hacker contact “BlueDragon72” passed along this copy of a draft apology letter the NSBA planned to send to parents. After reading it you’ll see why they changed things.—CLS

Dear Parents:

By now you’ve probably heard about a troubling letter sent to Attorney General Merrick Garland by someone from our offices equating parents attending school board meetings with domestic terrorists. This letter also said “hate crimes” were being perpetrated by parents attending school board meetings. Continue reading →

So last week was a bit of a feel good story involving my two children.

Today, not so much. You see, last Friday I really did have to take both kids to the dentist’s office for their annual cleaning and exam.

We scheduled the session for a Friday on Fall Break so both Mom and I could attend. Due to COVID restrictions, the dentist’s office told us prior to coming that only one parent would be allowed in the exam area with the kids. Continue reading →

I signed my son up for karate this week. He’s finally into sports, and one that won’t (theoretically) give him a concussion or turn him into a toxic-masculinity-fueled youthful super-predator. Theoretically.

He deserves it. I’m proud to say attempt #2 at child rearing produced a selfless young man with incredible heart and a level of polite manners that would turn a society debutante’s head. Karate was the one thing yours truly could get behind that he really seemed to enjoy.

So I guess I’m a karate dad now. Continue reading →