Tuesday I turn 40. I’ve finally reached a point in life where I resemble my spirit animal, Terry Funk: Middle-aged and crazy.

In celebration of this occasion I’m going to indulge myself and hand out some Unsolicited Advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet who you should probably never listen to.

Unless, of course, you agree with me. Continue reading →

At home, Mayor Tribe sat in his comfortable gaming chair playing “Fortnite” on his Xbox when he noticed something peculiar on his security camera monitor. A Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department cruiser had pulled into his driveway, lights activated.

“Will someone see what the fuck’s the problem?” Tribe yelled to no one in particular. Switching his game off, he studied the security monitor. Deputy Ernesto Miranda was now visible at his front door. Miranda carried a duffle bag and sported an N95 mask and gloves in addition to his uniform.

“How can I help you, Deputy Miranda?” Mayor Tribe asked. Continue reading →

Friends, I’m going to be completely honest with you this week. I actually had something ready that was smart, funny, topical, and educational for this Friday’s Funny. Then I realized SJ’d gone a full week without mentioning the Jeffrey Toobin incident. It will be a cold day in hell before I miss a chance like this to make some dick jokes.

Jeffrey Toobin is an author and legal analyst for CNN. One outlet to which Toobin contributed was The New Yorker. That publication announced his suspension Monday when a story broke he’d been caught masturbating during a company zoom call. Continue reading →

The Senate Judiciary Committee, ostensibly a bipartisan group tasked with advising and giving consent on Presidential judicial nominations, packed up and left town this week for Mitch and Lindsay’s Traveling Circus. The star act was, of course, Judge Amy Coney Barrett and her confirmation to the Supreme Court.

Ringmaster Lindsay Graham started the party Monday by letting everyone know his team had the votes to do what they wanted, so this would go either the easy way or the hard way. Committee Democrats responded by complaining how unfair the thing Lindsay’s team wanted to do was and they were all mean, no good poopy-pants. Continue reading →

Regular readers of the Friday Funny know I make a point to not go for the same gag twice in two weeks. I hope you’ll forgive your humble humorist; the last month has seen my quiet mountain town lock 2000 college students in isolation due to COVID, a loose “tiger” within city limits, and a plane make an emergency landing on the interstate.

No, I’m not making any of that up. I appreciate your understanding. Let’s get to it. Continue reading →

Wednesday, I remarked that this week’s “debate” looked like two old men with delusions of being professional wrestlers attempting to cut promos on each other. This was especially troubling for the President, who’s actually in the WWE Hall of Fame. For those of you unfamiliar with that tidbit, no, I did not make that up.

So today we’re going to discuss the fine art of cutting a promo. Let’s be realistic, we’re not getting any actual debates out of Trump or Biden. If they’re going to trade insults they need to do it in an entertaining fashion that actually draws people in. Continue reading →

Mayor Tribe, sweating from a recently ingested cocktail of uppers and downers, jolted at his desk when Louise’s breathy voice buzzed through the phone.

“Mayor Tribe, your three-o-clock is in Conference Room B,” his secretary said.

Tribe’s three-o-clock meeting was with suits. Lawyers. He wasn’t sure what the problem was, but Tribe hoped he could get the matter resolved in short order. Lenny’d always been able to talk his way out of problems with suits in the past. Plus he was a lawyer before getting elected as Mayor of Mud Lick. Surely he could talk to his own kind! Continue reading →

I just learned of Justice Ginsburg’s passing. It is unquestionably a loss for the legal profession as a whole.

At this time, I am reminded of the day I met she who would later be known as “The Notorious RBG.” It was the day I gained admission to the Supreme Court bar by virtue of the fraternity I joined in law school. The lawyers sponsoring us told us in advance we would meet at least one Justice following our admission, and Justice Ginsburg might come as well. Continue reading →

Yesterday my mean-ass editor reflected on the conditions causing his friend Daniel to flee city life for the joys of the country. Apparently Daniel’s not the only one, and it’s not just Northerners fleeing for the country life. The West Coast is apparently driving former residents to the heart of America.

I can’t say I’m thrilled at this development, personally. Part of the joy in country living is there’s not as many people. Still, as the day progressed, it dawned on me I might be able to help a few of you coming this way to learn the ropes. After all, we’re going to be living near each other, so we might as well be civil. Continue reading →

Prefatory note: I met up with someone using the handle “BlueDragon34” on my Discord server last week who informed me “StickyWeeks” is currently in jail awaiting trial for his brave efforts in bringing us transparency in law enforcement communications. “Dragon,” as I call my new ally, swore to carry on Sticky’s work. Apparently the Dragon delivers—CLS

 July 29, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: McNally Protocols Lifting

Good morning, all: Continue reading →