In a stunning moment of American unity, citizens turned on renowned physician Dr. Anthony Fauci Thursday with a loud “fuck that guy” when the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases said football might not resume in the fall over coronavirus concerns.
“Screw that miserable asshole,” said Q.T. Marshall of Boston, Massachusetts. “He’s never seen a Pats game. I’m ready to see our boys take that miserable cheat Tom Brady down!” Continue reading
Class of 2020:
Congratulations. You’ve made it. I’m sure the journey to this point was full of surprises and probably wasn’t what you expected, but you’ve finally done it. All the hard work memorizing and retaining info for tests paid off. You now have a piece of paper in your hands saying you graduated from the institution you aren’t currently attending due to COVID-19.
This year, commencement probably looks drastically different than ones you might have attended before. Still, it’s not all that bad! You get to sit in sweats instead of a cap and gown, and there’s no waiting around in a crowded hall to get your diploma. And everyone’s giving awesome commencement addresses, from Barack Obama to me. Yep, a random asshole on the internet is about to give you unsolicited life advice. How cool is that? Continue reading
Back in the Fault Lines days, my mean-ass editor tasked me with a weekly assignment called The Friday Fail. It was my job to comb the internet for the most spectacular failures of the criminal justice system and send the top five to the readership to vote on which was the greatest failure of them all.
Yours truly is a touch tired this week from work and life developments, so I’m dipping into the Friday Fail archives to bring the SJ readership a new guessing game. All of these but are former Friday Fail contestants. I’m not making any of this up. Continue reading
Sheriff Roy Templeton regularly worked a patrol shift despite holding the title of Mud Lick’s top cop. He strongly believed the best way for a cop to serve a community involved maintaining a connection to the people. That belief saw the Sheriff out one Thursday night cruising for any signs of unusual activity.
The first call of the evening was rather mundane. An irate man from Kentucky badgered two Dairy King drive-through employees over something he kept referring to as a “goddamn triple cheese with extra cheese” while his Canadian passengers giggled in delight. Continue reading
Bars weren’t exactly open for business yet in Mud Lick, but tonight the Grassy Knoll Pub was lit as though business was usual. Inside, the proprietor, Jesse Custer, busied himself cleaning in anticipation of a guest’s arrival.
Custer had been on the wrong side of the law long enough to where he hadn’t planned on opening the Knoll tonight. A phone call from Sheriff Roy Templeton changed that. Someone from out of town called him asking a favor. Apparently this someone had enough clout to make Sheriff Roy and the county Health Department look the other way.
Jesse finished wiping down the baseboard of the bar when Cassidy, the Knoll’s doorman, called out, “Custer, our guest is here, and ye’ll never fuckin’ believe who it is.” Continue reading
Arlo Craddock was in a good mood, and nothing could change that.
He smiled as he drove a grey Toyota sedan along the highways and byways of Alabama. The windows were down so Arlo could smell fresh air, and Skynyrd was on the radio. Ironically, the song currently playing was “Freebird.”
Fortune hadn’t been kind to Mr. Craddock in recent days. He’d been in county because of some pictures he took of women. They weren’t even dirty pictures. All Arlo did was take out his camera phone, zoom in on the lady parts, and hit the picture button. Continue reading
It’s Friday, and I’m in a mood to take the piss out of a few people. Your humble humorist held his tongue far too long as everyone turned into miserable assholes in a global pandemic. Now I’m going to have a laugh at the expense of a few guilty parties and I hope you’ll join me.
The wishful among us thought this virus would unite humanity as one [Ed. Note: Just @ me next time, coward], make us all realize we were #InThisTogether, and see us emerge as a better species. The pragmatists watched as people reverted to comical stereotypes of their former selves. Continue reading
The following is a mish-mash of lines ripped from just about every corporate email I’ve received since COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Ok, I may have gotten carried away. Enjoy. —CLS
Dear Valued Customer, Friend, Stockholder, Team Member, and Tribe:
We here at MegaCorp want you to know we’re thinking of you during these trying, unprecedented times. As we shelter in place or stay at home alone together, we want to keep you informed of steps we’re taking to keep you and our employees safe. Continue reading
I’m a bit tapped on jokes this week, so today we’re going to play a game. What follows is a collection of ridiculous stories arguably too fantastical to be true. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. I made it up.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out which one of these stories is a lie. Don’t bother Googling—I’ll know. Trust me. Ignore the surveillance drones at your windows. Leave your answer in the comments below. The first correct poster gets an attaboy from me.
Let’s go! Continue reading
Dear SJ Readership:
The last thing I wanted to do this week was bring you a batch of unsolicited opinions on a random variety of dumb subjects no one should really give a damn about (unless you agree with me). We’re all living through a scary world each day. People are reacting harshly in the oddest ways, and the last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat with some dumb unqualified hot takes.
My mean-ass editor, after multiple discussions this week, has convinced me otherwise. (Ed. Note: We never discussed this. I barely know this Seaton guy.) Apparently my unqualified opinions on random subjects no one gives a damn about are needed more than ever. So, without further ado, let’s cue the Unsolicited Opinions! Continue reading