Greetings, Simple Justice readers! Your humble humorist, Chris Seaton, is back to sling some Friday funny at you, and this week we’re diving headfirst into the Lycra-clad, obstacle-dodging, sweat-soaked spectacle that is American Ninja Warrior. Because nothing screams “American Dream” like grown adults flinging themselves at warped walls and praying they don’t faceplant on national television. Grab your protein shake, folks, and let’s get to it.

For the uninitiated, American Ninja Warrior is a show where people who spend more time at the gym than in their own homes attempt to conquer an obstacle course designed by a sadist with a PhD in physics. Think Wipeout, but with less foam and more existential dread. Contestants—ranging from firefighters to accountants who moonlight as parkour enthusiasts—tackle things like the “Quintuple Steps” (a fancy name for “stairs that hate you”) and the “Salmon Ladder” (which sounds like a fishy sex move but is actually a pull-up bar from hell). If they make it to the end without slipping into a pool of water or their own tears, they get to hit a buzzer and scream like they just won a lifetime supply of kale. Continue reading →

It’s unfair to argue whether the now-withdrawn nominee, Ed Martin as United States Attorney for the District of Columbia, is worse than the new nominee, former Westchester, NY, County Court judge and District Attorney, Jeanine Pirro. As discussed here, Martin is incompetent, by experience, intellect and temperament, to be US Attorney, whether in DC or elsewhere. In contrast, Pirro is batshit crazy atop incompetent, and thus reflects the nadir of prosecutorial choices. But that’s just me.

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Step aside Max Headroom, Chris Pelkey is in the courtroom. Well, not really, but close enough for Judge Todd Lang in Arizona.

Chris Pelkey was killed in a road rage shooting in Chandler, Arizona, in 2021.

Three and a half years later, Pelkey appeared in an Arizona court to address his killer. Sort of.

Pelkey, 37, was shot to death by 50-year-old Gabriel Paul Horcasitas, who was in the car behind him. When an unarmed Pelkey approached Horcasitas, he pulled his weapon and killed Pelkey. Horcasitas was convicted of manslaughter, and time came for sentence. So too did Chris Pelkey. Continue reading →

It was surprising to learn that ICE and Homeland Security Secretary and model, Kristi Noem, were demonizing the wrongly renditioned Kilmar Abrego Garcia based on domestic violence allegations that had long since been dismissed. On the one hand, it was irrelevant to the violation of the immigration judge’s hold and denial of due process. On the other hand, he hadn’t been convicted, so it was merely an accusation. But on the third hand, it was dismissed, and while I’m unfamiliar with the nuances of criminal procedure in Maryland, how would there be access to a dismissed case?  That couldn’t happen in New York.

Under New York Criminal Procedure Law § 160.50, a dismissed case is automatically sealed, except in the very rare instance where the prosecution seeks, and the court grants, a motion to prevent sealing. Back in the good old days, before records were computerized, the defendant’s booking photographs and fingerprints were physically sent back, either to the defendant or his lawyer. We would know the cops didn’t have them because we did. Continue reading →

He’s smarter than the generals. He’s smarter than the doctors. But he’s clueless when it comes to law?

Is there any acceptable answer to the question of whether “persons” are entitled to due process other than “yes”? And yet, when pressed, his answer remained the same. Continue reading →

The invocation of power by calling anything an emergency or national security problem was a gaping hole in Congress’ sloughing off responsibility and authority to do its job to the president. It presumed that the president wouldn’t be so shameless and abusive as to lay claim to power when there was no basis for it by merely incanting the magic words that would empower the president to take action whenever the whim struck.

And, to be fair, it worked out much of the time, although there were always exceptions that should have reminded Congress and the American people that it’s not good enough to just trust the president not to abuse his authority. And these exceptions, such as Biden’s attempt to forgive student loans as an emergency response to Covid, were flagrant enough that a functional Congress would have put a stop to it immediately. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a functional Congress then, and certainly don’t have one now. Continue reading →

It’s one thing to pardon or commute the sentence of every defendant involved in the insurrection of January 6. It’s another to propose the return of restitution by the insurrectionists, the “roughly $400,000 collected” to cover the roughly $3 million in damage they caused during their Day of Love. But why, oh why, would the government settle a claim for excessive force for the killing of Ashli Babbitt?

The Department of Justice has agreed in principle to settle a $30 million wrongful death lawsuit filed by the family of Ashli Babbitt, the woman fatally shot by a Capitol Police officer during the January 6, 2021, riot at the US Capitol.

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The neon sign outside the Grassy Knoll Pub flickered like a drunk firefly as Sheriff Roy Templeton pulled his cruiser into the gravel lot. Mud Lick, Alabama, wasn’t known for high drama unless you counted the time Leroy Buckshot swore the Piggly Wiggly was a front for a 5G lizard conspiracy. Tonight, though, the call from Cassidy, the Knoll’s doorman, had Roy’s hackles up. “Sheriff,” he’d whispered over the phone, “some fella’s in here swearin’ two wrestlers done a murder. You better hightail it.”

Roy adjusted his Stetson, grabbed his Maglite, and stepped into the smoky haze of the pub. The jukebox was blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd, and the usual crowd—mostly locals nursing Bud Lights—had their eyes glued to a wiry man in a trucker hat waving his arms like he was auditioning for a Pentecostal revival. “I seen it!” he hollered. “Them two over there, the big ‘uns, they killed a man! I heard the shots!” Continue reading →

In a ruling that was both surprising and remarkably unsurprising, Southern District of Texas Judge Fernando Rodriguez Jr. issued a permanent injunction barring the removal of people under the Alien Enemies Act. It was surprising only because Judge Rodriguez was appointed by Trump, and for those on both right and left who believe that judges are mere political hacks for their patron, Judge Rodriguez proved that at least some in the judiciary remain dedicated to the fair and impartial rule of law.

It was remarkably unsurprising because Trump’s invocation of the AEA was a parlor trick, a gimmick that he believed would allow him to circumvent the rule of law and do as he pleased. There was never any serious doubt that Trump’s Executive Order was just another exercise of Trumpian nonsense. And Judge Rodriguez called it fair and square. Continue reading →

It’s not as if Trump or Musk came up with the idea that the government wants to know more about you, about each of us, than we wanted to tell. Remember the efforts to prohibit cash in favor of plastic so that there would be a record of every expense? Remember the elimination of paper prescriptions in favor of electronic so the government would know every drug being given?

But we were promised that the government wouldn’t go full Brave New World, and siloed pieces of information, from medical to financial to personal, in the bowels of different agencies that had a legitimate-seeming claim to gather and maintain such information about us but without the government having the capacity to put it altogether in one big beautiful database. Those days are gone. Continue reading →