Eight Bagels? What About The Lox?

This is what happens when a Fishtown lawyer negotiates a deal.

That said, we have an offer for Ms. Francis. If she writes Mr. Sawyer a hand-written note politely asking him to take down the posts, along with two dozen New York bagels, he will take them down. The bagels must be authentic (not the supermarket kind), and delivered to my office by August 15th.

Something very lawyerly.

First, I question whether Jordan Rushie has the competence and experience to distinguish authentic “New York bagels” from the crap they sell at a Main Line bagel shop. Forget the stuff in the supermarket, which isn’t even in the ballpark, but the real thing.  Even in New York, there’s good and crap.  Knowing which is which means everything.

Second, what about the cream cheese?  And the lox?  What kind of Philly-stine demands bagels in settlement without cream cheese and lox?  Are you kidding me?

And finally, nobody with any sense would demand “two dozen New York bagels” without specifying what type of bagels.  You could end up with cinnamon raison, which is fine if you’re a teenaged girl, but no guy would want such dreck. What about poppy?  Onion? Everything, if you’ve got the guts to go large?  And why didn’t you demand Flagels?  Any experienced New Yorker would have demanded flagels.

When you take your one-third cut of the bagel booty, and find yourself forced to run out for some cream cheese (let me guess, Philly brand) and novy, remember that you blew the demand and got what you deserve.

Kids. Sheesh.  Something very New York-erly.

Edit:  And no, Philly soft pretzels do not cut it.

 

11 thoughts on “Eight Bagels? What About The Lox?”

      1. Fubar

        From a footnote on limitations of the duty to spread aspirational ethics evenly, in a long-discarded draft of American Bar Bet Association Model Rulz, Rule 1.5 Fees:

        Thirds is rational, not transcendental.
        And the cream cheese is just incidental.
        If you ever finagle
        A deal for a bagel,
        Cheese fees chump change just ain’t fundamental.

        But you knew that already.

    1. SHG Post author

      Philly is a sad town. They think soft pretzels matter. Plus, they put whiz on their cheesesteaks. Just sad.

      1. the other rob

        While I too object to whizzing on cheesesteaks, it’s only fair to acknowledge the excellent Monks’ Cafe, a bar that has many fine Belgian beers on tap.

        1. SHG Post author

          I expect a free beer from Monks’ for this. For both of us.

          What’s next, Rocky Horror at the TLA at midnight?

  4. Felicia Herman

    I will be back in NYC over Labor Day weekend and am in desperate need of a good bagel. Where should I get one?

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