Friends, next week we’ll return to Sheriff Roy’s latest adventures. This week? We’re celebrating one of the three best holidays of the year! That’s right, kids of all ages: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN!

My family and I love Halloween. What’s not to like about a day when ghouls, ghosts, long-legged beasties and things that go “bump” in the night roam our streets in search of candy? Our kids get to dress up, the adults load up cartoonishly large adult beverages in Yeti tumblers and we walk the streets soaking in the fall atmosphere.

It’s a good time.

If you’re a regular here, you know I take this Holiday seriously. I’m not just one to celebrate with my family. It’s an annual mission of mine to make sure you and yours have a fantastic Saturday as well! So let’s get with the Helpful Halloween Hints for this year, shall we?

First off, absolutely no one’s giving your crotch goblins edibles for Halloween. That shit costs money and no one wants to share. Ever. It’s a shit fairy tale cops tell every year to scare parents.

Make sure you watch a scary movie or TV series this year to set the ambience. I’m reliably informed there’s a frightening amount of material on how college girls at Cornell are no longer trusted to make decisions like adults on cable these days.

Your neighborhood children will try to convince you that you must give out full sized candy bars or nothing at all. This is because kids don’t understand how money works. Get the fun sized bars and rest easy knowing you did your part.

If anyone’s still handing out toothbrushes, N-95 masks or hand sanitizer this year, avoid their house and never try to trick or treat there again. People that attached to the COVID years most likely have corpses in their linen closets.

We’re doing matching costumes this year: My better half and my daughter are going as witches. The boy wanted to be the “Front Man” from the Netflix show “Squid Games.” I wasn’t a fan of this idea until I found a “Games Manager” mask for $10 bucks next to the boy’s desired garb at Sprit Halloween. So this year he can be the evil boss and I’ll be his flunky. Since the boy is half my size I think the visual will be quite entertaining.

And if you don’t have neighbors that appreciate your costume stylings, I feel bad for you. I really do.

Leaving a sign out for trick-or-treaters reading “Take one piece please” is a surefire way to see your candy bowl depleted in fifteen minutes as a “fuck you” from the neighborhood teenagers. Drones with cameras and mounted canisters of nerve gas are advised for those of you enforcing a “one per customer” rule.

This message is for the parents: It is your solemn duty to inspect your child’s candy bucket to ensure all the remaining candy is safe at the end of the night. We all know about the sickos that put razor blades and needles in candy bars to hurt children. That is of course why two or three pieces of candy inevitably end up in your possession. It’s your job to get rid of these for your children. You know what I’m talking about. And make sure the kids say thank you, too.

Manners are important, after all.

Let’s talk the ethics of rolling houses with toilet paper. This is a dumb fucking thing to do and a waste of good Charmin unless you do it artistically. I’m not going to get into specifics here because this is a family blawg, but if you want a good source of inspiration go look up an artist named Christo. Study how he wrapped landscapes.

All I’m saying there. Quality should always be job #1, anyway.

Finally, let’s go through some possible last-minute Halloween Costumes:

*Ladies, walk around looking perpetually offended while wearing business attire. Congratulations, you’re a Gender Studies professor at Cornell!

*Bathe in something offensive before you step out for the evening and wear clothes that haven’t been washed in a week. You’re officially a Pokemon Trading Card Convention Attendee!

*As long as you’ve got access to a whistle and a golf cart, you and three of your friends can go as a Campus Bias Response Team!

The point is to put at least a bare minimum of thought into costumes, Dear Reader. Halloween should be a time one exercises a bit of creativity in how one appears in public. Which is to say please, PLEASE refrain from wearing T-shirts that say “This IS my Halloween Costume” or some similar nonsense. This is about the lowest-class fuckery one can pull on a holiday and if you’re even considering this you should be ashamed of yourself. Seek God.

That’s all for this week, friends. Come back next time to hear what issues Sheriff Roy has with Roxie and Marge. Here’s hoping your candy bucket’s overflowing tomorrow, and Happy Halloween!