“SKEEW, Boys, we gots us a doggone tank!” cried Sheriff Joe Bob Briggs of Mud Lick, Alabama, on presentation of a retired MRAP vehicle procured from Alabama’s new Helping Our Loved Defenders Make Your Backyards Even Extra Safer program, otherwise known as the HOLD MY BEERS Act.
The purpose of the HOLD MY BEERS program is to donate out-of-service military equipment, like MRAPs*, fully automatic rifles and grenades to state law enforcement personnel, who are totally trusted to never misuse stuff like this at any time. Ever. Lucky Alabama counties are chosen via random lottery for these important law enforcement implements, which we all know will never make police feel like warriors on a battlefield while carrying out their duties.
“This is a blessing,” said Deputy Buford Alan Holmes, communications director for the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. “Now our officers can respond to domestic disturbance calls in the safest manner possible: with a big ass tank, bullet proof vests, and bear mace in case a poodle gets testy.”
When presented with evidence an MRAP wasn’t actually a tank, Deputy Holmes called our source “Fake News” and said “Pound sand or you’re getting the first ride on the hood of Ol’ Bessie.” Request for comment revealed the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department did, in fact, name the MRAP after Farmer Duke’s prize dairy cow.
Reactions to “Ol’ Bessie” are mixed among Mud Lick Citizenry. Public Defender Alan McMaster the Third said “Oh sure, we’ve been asking for a bump in our funding for two decades, but when the Sheriff calls a small Alabama town a ‘war zone,’ he gets a tank.”
Judge Stuben McNulty, when asked for comment, said,
It’d be nice if I had an extra General Sessions judge to lighten the already crowded dockets I see daily, but it’s nice Sheriff Briggs gets his new war toy so he can make more arrests, which will clog the Mud Lick jail and my docket even more. We’ve got to keep public safety as a priority!
“I don’t get it,” said Cletus T. Knucklehead, a local resident. “Why does the Sheriff need a tank when the closest thing to mines we get is when my brother gets loaded on moonshine and decides to play with fireworks?”
Knucklehead’s brother, who asked to remain anonymous for this piece for fear of retribution, said of the acquisition, “Not guilty! Roll Tide!!”
Sheriff Briggs claimed during a press conference the MRAP’s main purpose was for educating children about the importance of avoiding drugs and criminal activity. “We want our young’uns to know if they do drugs or their parents do drugs, we’ll show up in “Ol’ Bessie” and they’ll sit in her until CPS comes to pick them up and get them to a pre-approved, God-fearing, law-abiding home.”
Meanwhile, no one questioned Mud Lick’s requisition of eighteen Rocket Propelled Grenade Launchers under the HOLD MY BEERS program, with Sheriff Briggs citing an upcoming sex trafficking epidemic as rationale for their need.
*MRAP stands for “mine-resistant ambush protected.”