Seaton: Protestors Protest Decades Old Hurtful Comments

Tensions at a prominent university burst last week when protestors swarmed the campus administrative complex demanding popular Astronomy professor Dr. Charles Schlossman be fired over ill-advised comments about women in the workplace allegedly made at a conference twenty-seven years ago.

While no audio, video, or written record of these alleged comments exists, protestors in attendance agreed Schlossman’s termination wasn’t enough. Their official list of demands included President Julius Wolfenbarger’s immediate resignation, a statement from the school denouncing institutionalized misogyny, and every protestor in attendance getting a free maple bacon glazed donut. Except for Mandy Rose, a Junior in the drama department, who’s vegan. She’ll requires tofu.

“It doesn’t matter what Dr. Schlossman actually said!” shouted Katie Lee Hodgkiss, a Gender Studies major, Class of ’21. “The fact he might have said something offensive to women years before I was born and even thought of attending this school makes this a hostile and unwelcome environment for not just female students, but also LGBTQ and students of color.”

“Yeah, totally,” said Dexter Burnout, Class of ’20 and an Underwater Basket Design major. “We’re not just students getting an education. We’re students of the world, and it’s our job to stamp out racism, sexism, misogyny, transphobia, and Islamophobia when we see it.”

A teaching assistant overhearing Burnout asked how any alleged statements of Dr. Schlossman could be construed as racist or Islamophobic. Protesters surrounded the TA in response, chanting “Healthcare is a human right!” in increasing volume until she fled in fear.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here,” quipped Allison Hoffman, an undecided freshman. “I saw people yelling and chanting and it looked fun. By the way, where are the snacks? I thought when you protested at a university you got free snacks!”

Protesting students won two concessions following a day of closed-door negotiations between faculty and staff. Dr. Schlossman would be seen leaving campus that evening, personal effects in tow, grumbling about how he was “too old for this shit.”

President Wolfenbarger sent a campus-wide email before turning in the keys to his office, thanking the protestors for opening his eyes to his complicit sexism. He promised to take time and reflect on how his toxic masculinity hampered his time leading the university, and eventually return to best serve the needs of a student body at a place no longer providing him gainful employment.

When concrete, irrefutable evidence surfaced later in the week all this outrage was manufactured by a first year student of Dr. Schlossman’s, who was attempting to dodge a bad grade, campus activism group Betting Academic Greatness Over Finding Diverse Inclusive Campus Kindred Spirits, or BAG OF DICKS, released the following statement:

While it is unfortunate the claims against Dr. Schlossman were factually inadequate, our campus experienced a transformative moment where we had a frank discussion about the treatment of women in the workplace, and we at BAG OF DICKS feel the importance of this can’t be overstated. In a world where one in five women attending college will be sexually assaulted on campus, it’s important we strive to hear the voices of all those who identify as female. Except for that basic bitch Mandy Rose, who we saw drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte at the campus Starbucks two days ago, and you can’t tell me those things are cruelty free. Vegan, our asses.

If you missed the protests, don’t worry. They’ll be at a campus near you soon. College kids these days treat yelling and chanting like intramural sports, and educators attempting to prove their “wokeness” to students ceded classroom control years ago.

22 thoughts on “Seaton: Protestors Protest Decades Old Hurtful Comments

    1. CLS

      I’ll stop making fun of aggrieved college students when they stop making it so easy to joke about them.

  1. Jardinero1

    “I see all this potential and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars, advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives, we’ve been all raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won’t and we’re slowly learning that fact. and we’re very very pissed off.” – Tyler Durden

    These kids really need something and I know what it is, but I can’t talk about it without violating the first rule.

  2. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    Great bit. I laughed aloud when reading portions of it.

    How I wish I was now attending the “prominent university.” As an aside, I am pretty sure that professor Dr. Charles Schlossman taught astrology and not astronomy.

    For the next Friday Funny I have a premise that I offer for your consideration and without my usual charge for such help.

    Write a funny about how some female lawyers dress while appearing in the courtroom. Be sure to mock yourself. There are examples out there. Scott will help you find them!

    I look forward to next Friday.

    All the best.

    RGK

    PS. By the way, several of my female friends use the expression “BAG OF DICKS” all the time when referring to men like you, me, Skink and Scott. Sometimes the word “LIMP” is slipped in there too.

    1. CLS

      Judge:

      Glad I could bring a little laughter to you today. This was the one Friday Funny that had me snickering the entire time I wrote it, so I figured it would play well to this crowd.

      I will offer a side anecdote exposing my creative thought process. It took me ninety minutes to come up with an “activist group” name that fit the acronym BAG OF DICKS. It started initially with just DICKS, then I forced myself to make BAG OF DICKS fit for the sake of highbrow humor.

      And while I will take your suggestion under advisement, next week’s is already in the can due to critical deadlines I have to meet. Plus, an ask like that is akin to George Carlin telling a first time open mic comic to perform one of his legendary monologues. It’s just not possible.

    2. Skink

      Rich–there you go, puttin’ me in a group with whom I cannot run.

      I gotta admit, BAG OF DICKS made me stop for a bit. I wondered how that would be accumulated. Did my old pal Aileen Wournos accumulate a bag from her dead guys? Then I felt the urge to spend a couple hundred bucks and register it with the Swamp corporations people, but what would I say was the purpose of the corporation? Then I discovered there’s something called Bag of Dicks candy. You bet your balls I ordered that!

  3. Pedantic Grammar Police

    OK fine, fire everyone and burn down the school, but they can’t have the maple bacon donuts!

  4. zoe

    Has anyone ever noticed that SHG and Appellate Squawk are never in the same place at the same time?

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