Tensions at a prominent university burst last week when protestors swarmed the campus administrative complex demanding popular Astronomy professor Dr. Charles Schlossman be fired over ill-advised comments about women in the workplace allegedly made at a conference twenty-seven years ago.
While no audio, video, or written record of these alleged comments exists, protestors in attendance agreed Schlossman’s termination wasn’t enough. Their official list of demands included President Julius Wolfenbarger’s immediate resignation, a statement from the school denouncing institutionalized misogyny, and every protestor in attendance getting a free maple bacon glazed donut. Except for Mandy Rose, a Junior in the drama department, who’s vegan. She’ll requires tofu.
“It doesn’t matter what Dr. Schlossman actually said!” shouted Katie Lee Hodgkiss, a Gender Studies major, Class of ’21. “The fact he might have said something offensive to women years before I was born and even thought of attending this school makes this a hostile and unwelcome environment for not just female students, but also LGBTQ and students of color.”
“Yeah, totally,” said Dexter Burnout, Class of ’20 and an Underwater Basket Design major. “We’re not just students getting an education. We’re students of the world, and it’s our job to stamp out racism, sexism, misogyny, transphobia, and Islamophobia when we see it.”
A teaching assistant overhearing Burnout asked how any alleged statements of Dr. Schlossman could be construed as racist or Islamophobic. Protesters surrounded the TA in response, chanting “Healthcare is a human right!” in increasing volume until she fled in fear.
“Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here,” quipped Allison Hoffman, an undecided freshman. “I saw people yelling and chanting and it looked fun. By the way, where are the snacks? I thought when you protested at a university you got free snacks!”
Protesting students won two concessions following a day of closed-door negotiations between faculty and staff. Dr. Schlossman would be seen leaving campus that evening, personal effects in tow, grumbling about how he was “too old for this shit.”
President Wolfenbarger sent a campus-wide email before turning in the keys to his office, thanking the protestors for opening his eyes to his complicit sexism. He promised to take time and reflect on how his toxic masculinity hampered his time leading the university, and eventually return to best serve the needs of a student body at a place no longer providing him gainful employment.
When concrete, irrefutable evidence surfaced later in the week all this outrage was manufactured by a first year student of Dr. Schlossman’s, who was attempting to dodge a bad grade, campus activism group Betting Academic Greatness Over Finding Diverse Inclusive Campus Kindred Spirits, or BAG OF DICKS, released the following statement:
While it is unfortunate the claims against Dr. Schlossman were factually inadequate, our campus experienced a transformative moment where we had a frank discussion about the treatment of women in the workplace, and we at BAG OF DICKS feel the importance of this can’t be overstated. In a world where one in five women attending college will be sexually assaulted on campus, it’s important we strive to hear the voices of all those who identify as female. Except for that basic bitch Mandy Rose, who we saw drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte at the campus Starbucks two days ago, and you can’t tell me those things are cruelty free. Vegan, our asses.
If you missed the protests, don’t worry. They’ll be at a campus near you soon. College kids these days treat yelling and chanting like intramural sports, and educators attempting to prove their “wokeness” to students ceded classroom control years ago.