Seaton: Deconstructing “The Purge”

It’s October, which means there’s probably another installment of “The Purge” franchise coming to theaters. If you’ve not seen “The Purge” movies, it’s set in an alternate America run by a political faction called “The New Founding Fathers of America” (NFFA). One night a year, first responders get the night off, and from sundown to sunup, all crime is legal.

“The Purge” makes easy money because it’s a campy slasher series at heart. It’s also incredibly lazy writing. The writers automatically revert to everyone wanting to rape and murder everyone in sight, because if you don’t have a body count in a horror movie apparently there’s no point.

Which is really quite sad, because there’s plenty of fun things a person could do if all crime were legal for an evening. Some ventures don’t have to be violent, and could prove to be quite profitable if you’re creative.

Let’s start with knocking over a bank, something I’ve yet to see in any Purge-related content. Why would this not be something of a regular occurrence? If police and medical staff aren’t going to respond to alarms, the right crew could come in, clean house, and live nicely until the next year’s score. After all, the money is federally insured, so it’s not like anyone’s going to go without once the sun comes up.

Identity theft is another fun Purge night activity reasonably accomplished from the comfort of your couch. Been eyeing that new leather sectional on eBay? Get yourself a new identity on Purge night on the dark web, score a few credit card numbers, and remodel your living room before the sun comes up.

Not interested in the tame stuff? Well how does becoming a drug dealer sound to you? Knock over a pharmacy or two and go sell pain meds to the people actually out in the streets beating the piss out of each other. You’ve made your money in one night easy for the trouble. For added fun, grab a few vials of insulin and toss them to local diabetics. You’re practically Robin Hood at that point.

Insider trading is also a thing. Got a way to manipulate you some stock prices? Get on it! Overseas markets don’t keep American hours, and as long as you set up all those illegal trades before the sun comes up the Securities and Exchange Commission will never come knocking.

So once we get past logic. reason. and decency, you’re left with the urge to kill someone on Purge night. If this lawless evening ever becomes a thing, please do society a favor and apply Clorox to the gene pool by getting rid of someone in one of these groups:

  1. People who leave grocery carts unattended in parking lots rather than return them to a corral.
  2. People who become famous as “Reality Television Personalities.”
  3. Perennial cruisers in the left lane on the Interstate.
  4. YouTubers who make money with “unboxing videos.”

Hopefully we’ll never have such an atrocity visited on our collective society in real life, and the people behind “The Purge” franchise will only take my material as potential Emmy winning show fodder. If we ever do get a night where all crime is legal, hopefully you have some inspiration here for maximum fun and profit.

And none of this should ever be interpreted to mean I in any way condone criminal activity. Again, this is the Funny, and if you seriously believe any of this get your head examined.

Happy Friday.

19 thoughts on “Seaton: Deconstructing “The Purge”

  1. Hunting Guy

    And while we’re at the grocery store, let’s do away with the idiots that have more than 15 items in the express lane.

  2. bl1y

    Can’t wait to watch Super PURGE where a bunch of billionaires and corporations use the crime holiday to bribe politicians and violate all sorts of campaign finance rules.

    Maybe also have the President commit some sort of high profile crime on purge night.

    1. SHG

      The NYT did an op-ed about hearing aids the other day, and somehow made it about Trump. Some thought only total assholes feel compelled to make everything about Trump, even when it has nothing to do with Trump. What do you think?

    2. CLS

      This is what the proprietor of this establishment refers to as an “under” comment.
      SHG, ruling on the field?

    1. CLS

      The point of the acceptable kill list is to keep it limited.
      And I know a couple of “Twitter Famous” people and they’re quite nice.

      1. albeed

        Alright then, how about all the people described by Dick the Butcher in ”Henry VI,” Part II, act IV, Scene II?

  3. Gretz

    I’ve only seen parts of them, but it strikes me that most of the homes and businesses only feature a passive defense: roll down doors over the windows, a safe-room, etc. None of them feature any sort of kill box for intruders, or even lethal traps to deal with the movie’s urban vermin who come to visit. Those countermeasures would be illegal, except for that night.

    It would be interesting to see a home owner flip his home security to a more Active mode. Nice product placement opportunity, too.

  4. B. McLeod

    I think what would really happen in this scenario is all the political nutjobs would be fighting each other in the streets, so it would be like a day in Chicago, but with Proud Boys and Antifas instead of Crips and Bloods. It wouldn’t be a safe environment for garden variety property crimes, because only the most heavily armed organized groups would be able to secure the proceeds of their crimes.

  5. James

    The Purge Series establishes that the majority of the people Purging are mercenaries paid by the government (NFFA) to kill political rivals and poor people.

  6. phv3773

    How much could you charge for overnight accommodation at an “undisclosed, secure location”?

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