It’s October, which means there’s probably another installment of “The Purge” franchise coming to theaters. If you’ve not seen “The Purge” movies, it’s set in an alternate America run by a political faction called “The New Founding Fathers of America” (NFFA). One night a year, first responders get the night off, and from sundown to sunup, all crime is legal.
“The Purge” makes easy money because it’s a campy slasher series at heart. It’s also incredibly lazy writing. The writers automatically revert to everyone wanting to rape and murder everyone in sight, because if you don’t have a body count in a horror movie apparently there’s no point.
Which is really quite sad, because there’s plenty of fun things a person could do if all crime were legal for an evening. Some ventures don’t have to be violent, and could prove to be quite profitable if you’re creative.
Let’s start with knocking over a bank, something I’ve yet to see in any Purge-related content. Why would this not be something of a regular occurrence? If police and medical staff aren’t going to respond to alarms, the right crew could come in, clean house, and live nicely until the next year’s score. After all, the money is federally insured, so it’s not like anyone’s going to go without once the sun comes up.
Identity theft is another fun Purge night activity reasonably accomplished from the comfort of your couch. Been eyeing that new leather sectional on eBay? Get yourself a new identity on Purge night on the dark web, score a few credit card numbers, and remodel your living room before the sun comes up.
Not interested in the tame stuff? Well how does becoming a drug dealer sound to you? Knock over a pharmacy or two and go sell pain meds to the people actually out in the streets beating the piss out of each other. You’ve made your money in one night easy for the trouble. For added fun, grab a few vials of insulin and toss them to local diabetics. You’re practically Robin Hood at that point.
Insider trading is also a thing. Got a way to manipulate you some stock prices? Get on it! Overseas markets don’t keep American hours, and as long as you set up all those illegal trades before the sun comes up the Securities and Exchange Commission will never come knocking.
So once we get past logic. reason. and decency, you’re left with the urge to kill someone on Purge night. If this lawless evening ever becomes a thing, please do society a favor and apply Clorox to the gene pool by getting rid of someone in one of these groups:
- People who leave grocery carts unattended in parking lots rather than return them to a corral.
- People who become famous as “Reality Television Personalities.”
- Perennial cruisers in the left lane on the Interstate.
- YouTubers who make money with “unboxing videos.”
Hopefully we’ll never have such an atrocity visited on our collective society in real life, and the people behind “The Purge” franchise will only take my material as potential Emmy winning show fodder. If we ever do get a night where all crime is legal, hopefully you have some inspiration here for maximum fun and profit.
And none of this should ever be interpreted to mean I in any way condone criminal activity. Again, this is the Funny, and if you seriously believe any of this get your head examined.