[Camera up on a middle aged man in a suit and tie at the news desk]
ANCHOR: Good evening, I’m Chester Montgomery, and this is your PNN Evening News report.
Today members of the press got into a shouting match with the President and members of the COVID-19 Task Force over useless data and meaningless bunkum. The latest bout of name calling started when the President referred to Jim Acosta as a “mean-spirited no-good poopyhead.” No real information came from the briefing, and the same is expected for tomorrow.
In local news, parents are grappling with the new balance of working from home and educating their children with new distance-learning initiatives. One parent we spoke to for the purpose of tonight’s broadcast said if they can just open the schools up again all of Jimmy’s failings will be his fault alone, and the teachers will never be criticized for their work again.
A man was cited today by police for failing to practice proper social distancing at his local grocery store. The perpetrator claimed he was merely attempting to get bananas and bread when he broke the CDC recommended six feet distance guideline from another shopper. He is currently on house arrest and faces a $5,000 fine.
Police are investigating rumors of a black market hair salon. Authorities suspect a team of stylists are violating local stay-at-home orders by traveling to houses and providing haircuts for a range of fees, depending on the provided services. Anyone with information is encouraged to call the CrimeStoppers hotline at 888-USN-ITCH.
And now, let’s go to meteorologist Stan Sanderson for the weather.
[CUT TO MAN IN FRONT OF GREEN SCREEN PROJECTING WEATHER FORECAST]
SANDERSON: Um, no one cares about the weather! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, but we need more ventilators! Why didn’t the station check my temperature or provide me with PPE? I don’t want to die! MOMMY I LOVE YOU HELP!
[Return to Montgomery]
MONTGOMERY: We apologize for any distress the previous segment caused.
I’m being informed by our producers that Stan Sanderson is being taken to a secure medical facility to treat his acute anxiety. We wish him a speedy recovery.
Now to David West for sports.
[Camera cuts to a kid in a Hawaiian shirt with a “Fortnite” design, also wearing a “Bullet Club” T-shirt, and jeans]
WEST: Today’s sporting news is totally sick, man. Team Chaos defeated Team Up Up Down Down in a best of seven Overwatch series. Blizzard Entertainment released the latest patch for “Hearthstone” nerfing the Demon Hunter class. In NASCAR, Buddy Murphy drove his slot car to the pay window in the newest “Warehouse 500” race.
The Three Hole Monk Clan beat out Los Ingobernables de Japon in a brutal Call of Duty battle royale game. We’ve got footage of 3HM member “Juicey415” pulling off a Kobe level triple kill and—
[Return to Montgomery]
MONTGOMERY: On behalf of the PNN family, I’m sure we’ll all be grateful when real sports return and we’re not forced to listen to the station manager’s son babble on about video games.
Tonight in our special “PNN Investigates” report, we’ll be taking a look at the world of black market pickup basketball games. Is your neighborhood home to a den of illegal activity? Tune in to find out.
In finance, the Dow closed on some number today. I’m not really sure what that number is, because our finance guy emailed to tell everyone he’s working from home and didn’t bother to even set up a Skype camera to do his damn job.
And finally, in entertainment news, Disney’s Bob Iger announced the film giant inked a deal with author J.K. Rowling to produce a brand new animated film tentatively called “Harry Potter and the Transgender Werewolf.” The new film is slated to hit Disney Plus sometime in December.
Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s WWE 24/7 Championship title reign ended today when he was pinned by Tampa Bay Quarterback Tom Brady after a boozy hotel room brawl. Brady was last seen fleeing Gronkowski’s hotel room with the championship title and a woman in a referee shirt who looks suspiciously like Brady’s spouse, Gisele Bundchen.
That concludes your PNN Evening News. Stay safe, stay indoors, and remember: your compliance is appreciated in the name of public health. Good night, and good luck.
[Camera fades as dramatic news music plays]