Dear SJ Readership:

The last thing I wanted to do this week was bring you a batch of unsolicited opinions on a random variety of dumb subjects no one should really give a damn about (unless you agree with me). We’re all living through a scary world each day. People are reacting harshly in the oddest ways, and the last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat with some dumb unqualified hot takes.

My mean-ass editor, after multiple discussions this week, has convinced me otherwise. (Ed. Note: We never discussed this. I barely know this Seaton guy.) Apparently my unqualified opinions on random subjects no one gives a damn about are needed more than ever. So, without further ado, let’s cue the Unsolicited Opinions!

I don’t wanna hear shit about delivery delays when truckers are on the interstate living out their Daytona 500 fantasies. THIS AIN’T GODDAMN THUNDERDOME, EARL.

“McMillions” is more ridiculous than “Tiger King” when you realize the FBI started their investigation only after a winning ticket was sold to a drug dealer.

Speaking of “Tiger King,” if you look hard enough, there’s video of him doing color commentary on a wrestling show set in his studio. It’s almost a perfect storm of redneck.

The biggest (human) loser out of the “Tiger King” debacle has to be Jesco White. Everyone’s in love with the gay redneck meth-head gun-toting polygamist and we can’t even give the Dancing Outlaw a courtesy nod?

Here’s a fun thing to try: Go out in public and just be polite to everyone. You never know what will happen, but it’s better than being an asshole.

Some people use their quarantine time to catch up on books they haven’t read or binge watch shows they’ve been meaning to check out. I suggest learning how to play Three Card Monte. Learning life skills always pays dividends in the long run!

I’m not saying correlation equals causation, but Tom Brady signed to play for Tampa Bay and now we’re all stuck at home. THANKS, TOM!

Be kind to those in your home and share what you plan to watch on TV with each other. Emphasis on “share.” Not everyone wants to binge entire seasons of nineties sitcoms every night.

Here’s to the still-open liquor stores providing “essential services” to parents (and grandparents) stuck at home with kids out of school indefinitely. You’re the real MVPs!

Anybody remember haircuts? Those were the good days, huh?

Forgive the “esports” athletes hurling racial slurs or other epithets during broadcasts of games. They’re just imitating the behavior of every teenager with an Xbox and an internet connection.

Unsure of whether you should go to church or stay at home? I prayed last week and asked Jesus if he wanted me to attend church on Easter. I didn’t get a response, so I figured we were cool. You can try my approach, but your mileage may vary.

The last time I went to Kroger I saw a guy in a leather plague mask, a guy in a gas mask, and a guy with a fancy Super Mario Brothers face mask. Cheers to those forward-thinking fashion mavens!

Movie studios would be wise to continue the current trend of releasing first run films to video on demand. It’s a boon for parents who need a margarita while Elsa’s belting out the latest catchy tune from the next “Frozen” installment.

Be kind to your friends and family suffering from seasonal allergies. A cough or sneeze doesn’t automatically make a person worthy of the Gitmo treatment.

I never thought I’d see curbside liquor delivery at a discount, or restaurants selling gallons of margaritas to go, but here we are. Maybe there’s some benefits to this “shelter in place” after all.

Someone once said “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” That asshole never lived in a pandemic. How about we go for “Mildly disheveled and frumpy is next to Godliness.” Does that work for everyone?

If something’s strange in your neighborhood, call no one. Nobody likes a snitch.

There’s two kinds of people in life: those who believe pizza needs meaty toppings like pepperoni and people who are wrong.

You can apply the above principle to people who eat ice cream in a cup and people who don’t.

[Ed. Note: Maple walnut is the best flavor of ice cream, and it’s the most intersectional.]

Every situation starts out reasonable until you bring in the fucking lawyers.

April showers used to bring May flowers. Now they just bring sleepless nights and irritable mornings. Wait a second, it is still April, right? The days kinda blur together now.

At least we don’t have to worry about offending someone over preferred pronouns these days. We did get past this, right?

No one gives a fuck about the opinions of nine out of ten gender studies professors, and that’s a wonderful thing.

In a world full of experts and idiots loudly proclaiming the sins of the other and vigorously pointing fingers, those of us who gladly admit we know less than we think are kings. Or queens. I’m not assuming someone’s gender here.

Skink recently sent me word Florida’s governor declared WWE an “essential business.” No word on whether the WWE’s talent will lose the “independent contractor” status they’ve enjoyed since time immemorial, but let’s all stay positive!

Finally, remember the true spirit of a pandemic: tired, irritable, and continually yelling at kids to get off your damn lawn.

Have a great weekend at home!