It has come to your humble humorist’s attention people are charging obscene hourly fees to lecture wokescolds everywhere on “white privilege.”
This is absolute bullshit. Charging someone $12,000 for two hours of white guilt absolution is highway robbery. I’ll do it for eight grand.
After all, if that money’s hypothetically going to a white woman as per the link, who better to lead the teeming masses towards enlightenment than I, a privileged white male oppressor who literally represents the patriarchy? By virtue of my birth and lot in life, I figure I’ve got the inside track on what White Privilege is really like.
So I’m going to start touring nationally, speaking to crowds for a mere $8000 (plus a bottle of Bowmore 18 for my mean-ass editor turned booking agent). Feel free to sign up for one of my workshops in a city near you where I’ll be speaking on topics like the following:
“Dirty White Boys Everywhere: The Reality of Southern Male Privilege”
“Yes, You’re Racist, Don’t Deny It.”
“Guilty of Being White: Minor Threat, White Privilege, and Criminal Law.”
“Trayvon Martin Doesn’t Look Like Your Son: Raising Antiracist Children.”
“Failure To See Color Is Failure To See Anti-Racism.”
“Your Life Doesn’t Matter Anymore Because You’re White.”
“Dress Like DeRay: Accessorizing For Protests.”
“Take Your Pants Off, Bigot: Love In The Age Of Trans Rights.”
“Whiteness and Consent: Unconscious Baggage In Title IX Hearings.” (Gotta get that college circuit locked down with something good.)
“Cracker: The Music of White Supremacy.”
“Clear Alcohol Is For Rich Women On Diets: White Privilege and Bars.”
After the initial presentation we’ll have a question and answer period. The big difference here will be I’ll ask the questions and audience members will answer to my satisfaction. We’ll discuss topics like “When did you stop being racist?” and “Is Becky from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s song ‘Baby Got Back’ a white savior figure? Why or why not?”
I plan to close out my lecture tour at every stop with a mass absolution of self-imposed white guilt. We’ll sing “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” from the hit Broadway musical “Avenue Q” and reaffirm our commitment to being better allies and raising awareness, because white people are really good at both those things.
You will leave my sessions cleansed of your white guilt, ready to join functional society as a new comrade-in-arms, joining your woke brothers and sisters in #Resisting racism in all its insidious forms.
Until you microagress a person of color, unwittingly subjecting them to new trauma. Then I’ll be happy to help you back to the light for another eight grand. And don’t forget the bottle of Bowmore 18 for my booking agent. He works hard for this gig.
If you’re not entirely convinced my lectures will sufficiently reprimand your weaponized privilege, feel free to sign up for any of my Meet and Greet spots where for $1000 I’ll personally listen to your racial misgivings, proclaim you a nasty racist bigot, and then send you on your way with enlightening pamphlets as souvenirs.
Some of you might balk at the price for my meet and greet or tickets to the general lecture. Fear not. I’ve got you covered. We’ll have merchandise booths set up at each venue where we’ll sell “White Indugence Coupon Books” for $19.99. When you suspect your privilege showing, pull one of our coupons out and hand it to a potentially offended person of color. The tasteful slogans like “I Only Read Ibram X. Kendi” to “Sorry For Contributing To Your Trauma” are sure to get you out of an insensitive pickle.
Have a happy Forth of July weekend, folks. I’m sure many of you will be taking in “Hamilton” this weekend. Personally, I have to discuss venue arrangements with my mean-ass booking agent. When eradicating systemic racism is your calling there’s no days off!