The Senate Judiciary Committee, ostensibly a bipartisan group tasked with advising and giving consent on Presidential judicial nominations, packed up and left town this week for Mitch and Lindsay’s Traveling Circus. The star act was, of course, Judge Amy Coney Barrett and her confirmation to the Supreme Court.
Ringmaster Lindsay Graham started the party Monday by letting everyone know his team had the votes to do what they wanted, so this would go either the easy way or the hard way. Committee Democrats responded by complaining how unfair the thing Lindsay’s team wanted to do was and they were all mean, no good poopy-pants.
Committee Republicans, by contrast, used their precious minutes responding with cries of “So’s your mother” and “Bite my ass.”
Judge Barrett finally spoke at day’s end, revealing herself as the only sane adult in the room.
Tuesday, Senate Democrats, seemingly lacking any understanding of how cases come before the High Court, pointed their fingers at Judge Barrett and proclaimed her a devil woman wishing ill health to the nation and no abortions for any reason.
Republicans, by contrast, quizzed Judge Barrett on her favorite movie, whether she enjoyed long walks on the beach, and how Zoom learning worked in the Barrett family.
Committee Democrats spent Wednesday attempting to paint Judge Barrett as either a racist, a science denier, or a bit of both. Republicans, rather than attempt to suss out Judge Barrett’s judicial philosophy, asked her favorite class to teach and who did the family’s laundry.
Highlights from both days included Chris Coons mansplaining how pregnancy was a preexisting condition prior to the Affordable Care Act to a mother of seven, Mazie Hirono asking if a devoted Catholic mother ever committed sexual assault, and Corey Booker whimpering to a federal Judge about poll taxes.
The star of the sideshow by a landslide was Vice presidential nominee Kamala Harris, who could’ve come away from this smelling fresher than spring daisies if she’d recused herself and gave some excuse about “partisan taint.”
Instead, Senator Harris, in her lilting tone, full faux-outrage demeanor on display, spent two days attempting to make some vague point about how these hearings were a travesty of justice and how irresponsible it was to hold them during a pandemic. Or something. Strangely no one can remember what Kamala Harris says immediately after she speaks. It’s like an odd superpower.
As Wednesday concluded, Judge Barrett looked as though she was officially Tired of Everyone’s Shit.
Thursday came the parade of “witnesses,” or people who wanted to talk about how good or bad they might feel with a Justice Barrett on the Supreme Court. No one with any sense paid attention because, as Ringmaster Lindsay noted from the start, they had enough votes to confirm and this was just an excuse for people who love to hear themselves talk to gather.
With the scheduled vote for October 22, anonymous sources familiar with the matter tell us Committee Democrats have reached out to Michael Avenatti and Julie Swetnick to see if there’s anything left to do at the eleventh hour that will launch an FBI investigation.
Sane women of all ages watched the proceedings, vowing that if they were ever “nominated,” to run screaming in the other direction.
No one’s sure when the actual Senate Judiciary Committee plans to return to Washington. Beltway insiders already tell this columnist they can’t distinguish the clowns on Capitol Hill from the real elected officials.
Happy Friday everybody! We made it through another week in 2020 laughing at life’s absurdities together. Here’s to another week with a saner tone and less mud-show antics. I’m being positive, dammit, and so will you!