Prefatory note: this was weird. I was at the grocery store when someone in a Sheriff’s office uniform approached me with a stack of papers. I assumed I was being served until I noticed the pages were wide ruled and written in crayon.
“The Sheriff needs your help deciphering this,” the deputy told me before abruptly leaving. I took my time parsing through the terrible scribbling and, well, read on. You’ll see, –CLS
Dear Sheriff Roy,
This is the essay you told me to write today about what I did over the holidays.
I spent most of my time at home with Nana Wentzel because of the virus. Nana and I hung and trimmed the tree. Nana didn’t care for my idea of using the Jesus mugshot I found on Reddit instead of the star we normally use as the tree topper. She says it’s not real but I found it on the Internet and everyone who reads the Bible knows Jesus was a criminal for failing to comply with an officer’s lawful orders. Even if he was God’s son.
The extra time at home you gave me off when I accidentally tasered my no-no place was nice. I watched a show called “Floor is Lava” I think would be a good sport for the Alabama Crimson Tide on Netflix. Nana told me there was a show called “Ow My Balls” she thought I would like but after the accident she was wrong.
Christmas Eve we set out milk and cookies for Santa. Nana objected to the bear trap because she said catching Santa would be unfair to children all over the world even if it meant stopping a burglar.
Santa came and on Christmas Day we opened presents after Nana made hot cocoa. I got a Hatchimal, new handcuffs and the “Baby’s First Felony” playset from Hasbro I told you about. Nana said they’ve just not been in stock until she went to a store called “Etsy.”
New Years Eve we didn’t watch the ball drop because Nana said all we’d see is drunkards and vagrants on the TV. So before I went to bed we played Chutes and Ladders but we called it “Cops and Robbers” because Nana’s good to me. She told me she stayed up watching “Sister Wives” but I heard a lot of swear words before I fell asleep so I think she might have been mistaken.
The next day Nana said we were going to Tuscaloosa because Nana said Jesus might take her if she spent one more day in the house with me and that’s not OK. We went to Wendy’s and I got chicken nuggets. Nana kept going into places she said I wasn’t allowed to go in because Jesus wouldn’t approve. She loved this tea they all served she said came from a place called Long Island up north. Nana sipped on her tea all day long and was a lot calmer than usual.
After the trip we came home and I saw your Christmas card. I hope you like mine. I used the new crayons everyone got me. Deputy Abrams said I should ask you or one of the other adults at the station before I use the sharpener though.
And that was my break. I hope you like my essay. I have to go help feed the K-9 units and Deputy Miranda said I’m to help the new recruits with Taser training. I hope I’m not the target.
Deputy Tyrone Wentzel