Millions of Americans and their authoritarian elected leaders reacted in shock and disbelief when Dr. Anthony Fauci, America’s appointed Public Health Jesus by the mainstream media, announced alongside the CDC that fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear masks in most public settings.
The sudden reversal in policy prompted many to question if this was Fauci indeed.
“I think it’s a clone sent by the Biden Administration to deflect from the worst weeks since President Houseplant took office,” conservative radio host Jan Bananas opined on her weekly show.
“It’s clearly either not Dr. Fauci or he’s being manipulated,” said Mamie Waters of Boone County, West Virginia. “Just a couple of weeks ago he was saying vaccinated people still need to double mask because they might get the Romanian variant or something. I don’t buy it’s him.”
“We’re still masking, even though we’re fully vaccinated,” said Angela Short of Fairfax, Virginia. “I want to set a good example for my kids. They can’t get the vaccine because they’re too young and I don’t want to make them sick, even though studies show the vaccines are miracle drugs on the front lines of cutting edge medicine.”
“I knew Fakie Fauci would eventually cave to political pressure,” opined former president Donald Trump on his personal blog. “He was always a loser. Sad!”
No one read it.
Some state officials declined to remove their mask mandates.
“What does that fucking guy think he’s doing?” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was heard exclaiming to a source familiar with the matter. “I finally convinced my hot secretary to wear a gimp mask and ball gag and now she says there’s no need because that midget said so? Cockblocker.”
“We’re taking a wait and see approach,” California governor Gavin Newsome said on the matter. “We’ll wait and see if this recall thing really gains steam. If it does I’ll remove the mandate and even allow the vaccinated to dine outdoors at restaurants!”
Other elected officials were more hostile to the administration’s approach.
“Letting vaccinated people unmask creates a caste system that is contrary to American values,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Equity demands we wear masks until Americans prove they’re willing to comply with our demands. There’s no negotiating this.”
Some pounced on the opportunity to make this an advantageous issue.
“I’ll pardon and expunge the records of anyone prosecuted over mask mandates,” announced Florida governor Ron DeSantis.
“And I’ll give them a handjob too,” chimed in Texas governor Greg Abbott.
Tennessee governor Bill Lee agreed to meet with protestors without a mask outside the state capitol building.
“Time to follow the science,” Lee remarked before heading out for a maskless jog.
Vice President Kamala Harris cackled wildly when asked for comment, said “It was just a debate,” and called this journalist a racist bigot who denied her lived experiences before ending the call.
Rapper Kanye West rambled about how Jesus never got COVID-19 when asked for comment.
“At the end of the day I’m still masking up.” said Rocky Jones of Greeneville, Tennessee. “We don’t want any more Yankee journalists messing in our business.”
And so our confused nation marches forward, with the Public Health Jesus anointed by the media as the biggest anti-vaxxer until it was politically convenient for him to pivot.
Now that we’re out of the jokes, happy Friday everyone! Here’s to a great weekend, and we’ll see you next week.
Get vaccinated if you haven’t! Let’s exploit the shit out of this moment of clarity before the assholes in charge change their minds!