We’re approaching October, and that means it’s time for my yearly guide to a stress free, happy Halloween for all readers of the Friday Funny.
If you’ve been reading my work for the last two years, you know by now I love Halloween. It’s fun to watch the kids get dressed up and roam the neighborhood with other children in search of the best candy hauls that evening. It’s a fun night where kids and their parents can let loose a little and just have fun with ghouls, ghosts and things that go bump in the night.
If, on the other hand, you’re new here, what follows are my updated list of tips and suggestions to make Halloween a truly special evening for your entire family. I hope you find them useful.
*This has to be said every year, but please ignore any scare reports you see in the news of adults handing out THC laced candy to kids on Halloween. As I say every year now, that stuff’s expensive, adults pay good money for it, and if they have it, odds are they’re not sharing. Especially with kids.
- Another baseless fear is that of teen vandals are out to egg cars or roll houses with toilet paper. American teens would much rather spend their time and energy playing Fortnite on their iToys than committing acts of vandalism. If you’re really scared, don’t call the cops. Defend your castle like a fucking adult. I’ve personally found bear traps, motion-activated security systems, and a lifelike replica of Pennywise the Clown works for me.
Let’s talk candy distribution. It is perfectly acceptable to hand out “fun size” candy bars on Halloween. Kids will try and persuade you otherwise. They’re kids and don’t understand the value of money. Grab a bag or two at the grocery store and you’re set for the night.
There are two candies unsuitable for distribution on Halloween: the nasty, chalky Smarties substitutes and candy corn. Especially candy corn, the existence of which is an embarrassment to the candy-making profession. In fact, if you’re reading this and are somehow part of the production or distribution of candy corn, finish reading this post and then apologize to a person for your existence. And seek Jesus.
*If you really want to show neighborhood kids you care about their health and well being, skip candy distribution. Hand out masks, hand sanitizer, toothbrushes and dental floss instead. After all, COVID is still a real thing and when kids are wearing masks they tend to ignore their oral health, so be a dear and cover all your bases.
*Should you actually attempt the previous tip, please take pictures of all the delighted children you serve and tag @clsesq on Twitter/X/Whatever so I can see the little scamps’ overjoyed faces. Share!
- Get stopped by a cop on Halloween? Here’s a fun thing to try. After you hand the officer your license, registration and proof of insurance, flash the officer a big smile and say “Happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be, a cop?” They’ll appreciate your holiday spirit!
If anyone asks you how much you’ve had to drink that night, especially if it’s a cop, muster your best Count Von Count impression from youthful Sesame Street viewings and say “Van! Two! Three! Three beers! Ah Ah Aaah, I love to count!” Your chances of winning a dose of free Thorazine that night just doubled!
*This one’s really important. If you’re taking your kids out for trick or treating, remind them there’s probably a few razors slipped into candy bars and make sure you tell them you’ve got to inspect the candy before they have any. Yes, it’s an urban legend but it’s a good way to keep the “Parent Tax” alive on Halloween. That way you look good for your children as you take all the good candy for yourself.
*You may get invited to a party. If you are invited to a party and given a list of inappropriate costumes, politely decline or skip the gathering altogether. No one at that party will be fun or possess the slightest idea of how to have a good time.
No one should be without costumes on Halloween, which means it’s time for me to give my readers my annual list of impromptu costume ideas. Here goes nothing.
*Guys, put on a stained T shirt and ripped jeans. Yellow your teeth with the substance of your choice. Rent a panel van and drive around the neighborhood offering kids free candy if they get in the back of your van. Make sure you have a good criminal defense lawyer’s number on speed dial and bail money ready before you try this.
*Ladies, get some nonprescription glasses. Put googly eyes on the lenses. Put in fake buck teeth and don a pantsuit. You’re Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!
*Either gender: fake tattoos, JNCO or similar big legged jeans, a “wife beater” tank top or a T-shirt with a marijuana leaf on it: You’re on unemployment!
*You’ve got a month at this point, so if you want a really easy costume idea, do a Google search for lucha libre masks. This is an untapped gold mine for easy Halloween costumes. Lucha Libre “fan masks” are surprisingly cheap, really varied in design, usually comfortable to wear for extended periods of time and make you an instant Mexican Pro Wrestling star no matter what else you’re wearing that night!
Back to the Halloween tips. Make sure you keep the old traditions alive. Watch scary movies. Tell scary stories. I plan on regaling the family this year with a traditional ghost story about a headstrong woman named Ava who tangled with a vengeful fairy named Linda and lost everything.
*It’s “Spooky Season” if you must be juvenile about it. Preferably you’ll act like an adult and call it “October,” “The month of Halloween,” or “the Time of All Hallow’s Eve.” If I ever see or hear you refer to it as “Spoopy Season” I’m going to relentlessly make fun of you and call you a child until I get bored of it.
*I saw this on Twix (A millennial told me that’s what we call Twitter now). Arrange empty water jugs and other plastic bottles into the shape of a human body. Cover the pile in garbage bags and wrap them in caution tape. Lay them in your yard. Instant Halloween decorations!
*If you try the above it’s probably best to have a good lawyer on speed dial. In fact, just keep a lawyer on speed dial on Halloween. Better safe than sorry.
Let’s close with two good ways to make an impression on kids as you hand out Halloween candy.
*When kids come to your door, yell “Trick or Treat!” and extend their candy buckets, stare at them for a minute or two, breathing heavily, and mutter in a gruff voice “Hey, you kids want some candy?” Enjoy the expressions on their little faces before you hand out the goods.
- Before even opening the door, put your phone in one hand and the candy container in the other. Don’t let the kids even say “Trick or Treat.” Just open the door yelling into your phone “Yes, I wanted the goddamn cheeseburger! Why do you think I ordered it, motherfucker?” Now smile at little Timmy and Ainslee as you hand out the candy. Enjoy their reactions.
That’s all for this week. Have a good weekend, and come back next Friday for more. Funny stuff, that is. Not Halloween tips. This isn’t a damn Mommy blog.
We’ll see you next week everybody!