David Ayer’s “Suicide Squad” (2016) is best described as cinematic masturbation. It’s good for a quick, cheap thrill, but you feel dirty and unsatisfied afterwards.
Maybe that’s why James Gunn’s latest offering, “The Suicide Squad,” feels so satisfying to watch. It’s not a reboot or a remake; it’s a fresh coat of paint on an IP that desperately needed one.
Are you expecting a visit from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, or any of the other members of “The Squad” in your immediate future? Does the thought of dealing with air-headed idiots make you squirm in your seat?
Fear not, dear reader. I have taken it upon myself to create a letter you too can share with the Squad member coming to your hometown letting them know you’re not happy with their presence. There’s a bit of material here, so feel free to copy and paste at your convenience!
Dear (insert Squad member here—use their title as well, let’s be courteous!): Continue reading
Sheriff Roy Templeton was in a grumpy mood. Of all the weeks for his wife to try and get him to quit coffee, this was the absolute worst. Instead of a delicious hot cup of black coffee, the Sheriff found himself drinking a mushroom extract tea tasting as if it were strained with a smelly athletic sock.
His rumblings over the disgusting brew were interrupted by a knock on his office door. It was his right-hand man, Deputy Ernesto Miranda, holding the one thing the Sheriff wanted more than anything else: a mug of coffee. Continue reading
What follows are a series of random thoughts recorded over the last few weeks on a dictation app my wife purchased so she didn’t have to hear me type. Consider this a sort of monologue, if you will
—CLS
Jeffrey Tobin returning to CNN after masturbating on the job elsewhere was rather jarring. I don’t think he suffered enough for this sin. If he’s going to remain on TV, I think he should be renamed Zoom Dick.
“And now, joining us to discuss this matter is CNN analyst Zoom Dick. Zoom Dick, thank you for joining us?” Continue reading
It’s been quite the week, dear readers. We recently had a flood of in-law…I mean rabid squirrels descend on my quiet mountain home. Sometimes one needs a vacation after dealing with a rabid squirrel infestation.
Anyway, with my wits sorely needing a break, I thought it time we played a bit of a game. Continue reading
Right wing provocateur Andrew Breitbart once said “Politics flows downstream from culture.”
Sun-Tzu said in “The Art of War,” “If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”
With these sayings in mind and a dash of masochism in my heart, I started reading Ta-Nehisi Coates’ run* on “Captain America,” a seminal Marvel title I was sure he’d fuck up on some level. Continue reading
Dear Ms. Lindsay:
I read your recent essay in Vulture about your desire to leave the public life and return to the peace of being a private figure. That is, I made a good faith attempt to read your insipid drivel before giving up and moving on.
Your decision to leave celebrity behind is commendable. You were the first woman of color to receive a first impression rose on The Bachelor. And being the first black Bachelorette was definitely an accomplishment. I can’t say I remember much about your season, but I treat this stuff like some folks treat sports–you keep up with the basics for polite conversation. Continue reading
Prefatory note: Thanks to my hacker contact, “BlueDragon72,” I intercepted this email before it reached its intended destination. I think you’ll find it interesting.—CLS
Dear Sheriff Roy:
Thank you for sending me to Disney World with Nana Wentzel and Deputies Castle and Sims. I know I did a bad thing shoving the baton up that Fed’s backside, but no one disrespects my commanding officer like that. Continue reading
Sheriff Roy Templeton instinctively reached for his sidearm when the power went out at the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. Stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen when you had two running recursive generators for instances when Old Man Cocke tried to pick a fight with a transformer.
Someone did this on purpose, the Sheriff thought. Assuming a standing defensive position, the Sheriff began checking each room in the station for potential intruders. He’d made it to the front desk when power returned to the building. Continue reading
Like many adult males, I recently sat through the “Friends” reunion. As I spend the rest of the month perusing all the DC Comics material on HBO Max, I realized we’re overlooking a valuable idea in the criminal justice system.
We need our own Suicide Squad.
If you’re not familiar with the Suicide Squad, they’re a team of some of the worst villains the DC Universe could dream up. Each has a small bomb implanted in their neck. If any gets out of line or tries to escape during a mission, a commanding officer activates the bomb, blowing the subject’s head off their shoulders. Continue reading
