Dear SJ Readers:

After numerous discussions with my mean-ass editor this week, it is with a heavy heart that I  am forced to announce that the Friday Funny will be suspended, effective immediately, for at least seven days due to coronavirus concerns.

“But Chris,” you might say, “this is just a blog post chock full of your one-liners, silly zingers, and semi-fictional stories you write each week to make us smile!” I know, I know. This move is not taken lightly and out of an abundance of caution to keep you, the SJ reader, as healthy as possible. Continue reading →

Despite concerted efforts from local news media, friends, family, and acquaintances, a Grove Park man refuses to freak out about the coronavirus illness sweeping the globe causing numerous cases of illness and death.

Nathan Schultz, 35, a father of two and graphics design artist, was quoted as saying, “I get it, people are worried about the coronavirus thing. I just don’t see a reason to freak out about it especially when I’ve got two clients who need their projects finished by the end of the week.”

When asked about the letters of concern from his children’s school about the coronavirus, Schultz said, “I get they’re worried. I’m glad they’re looking out for the kids. So am I, and right now my biggest worry is making sure my daughter makes basketball practice on time tonight.” Continue reading →

Prefatory note: My mean-ass editor started the week with a post on a goaded judge, so I thought it would be fun to end the week with my all-time favorite story of a goaded judge and the lawyer who pissed him off. For reasons I’ll keep to myself, I’ll just say the following is a true story, with names and certain facts changed to protect the parties involved—CLS

Harrison “Harry” Blodgette was a trial attorney in Driftwood County, Alabama. Possessed with an over-the-top personality, an outspoken demeanor and a never-ending supply of bravado, Harry’s claim to local legal fame was bankrupting a Wal-Mart franchise over workers’ compensation issues. While that lawsuit lined Blodgette’s pockets and helped him start his own firm, the judgment and its residual effects left a bad taste in the mouth of many who lost jobs and a place to find goods at low prices. Continue reading →

I learned yesterday of a resolution in the Tennessee House of Representatives that, if passed, would condemn CNN and the Washington Post as “fake news.”

Micah Van Huss, representative for an area with two main roads and one stoplight, penned this poorly-worded series of “Whereas” clauses. The two-page screed takes issue with references to those who support our current president as “cultists,” praises President Trump for taking on the establishment for the working man, and if passed, officially declares CNN and WaPo as “the media wing of the Democratic Party.”

It’s all a political stunt designed to garner favor with certain voters. Van Huss is up for reelection this year and faces a primary challenge, in addition to the November general election. Continue reading →

Most current educational discourse centers around fears of college indoctrination. As we struggle with how much ideology those in higher education impress on students, there’s a movement to hook children far earlier than one would expect. In at least one New York preschool, the curriculum includes discussions on gender fluidity and sexuality.

In an e-mail to parents and caregivers on Jan. 16, teacher Rosy Clark lays out lessons based on the Black Lives Matter Week of ­Action for a pre-kindergarten class at PS 58, located in well-regarded District 15 in Carroll Gardens.

The email* from Ms. Clark** outlines the way she plans to introduce the “Thirteen Principles” of the Black Lives Matter movement in her classroom. While police brutality and current events are off the table, transgender and queer affirmation are completely appropriate for developing minds. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Something is rotten in Mud Lick. The following is correspondence obtained through my contact, “Sticky Weeks,” and may be potentially damning for the Driftwood County Attorney’s office—CLS

August 15, 2019
FROM: Ian Ramsay ([email protected])
TO: Jimmy McGinty ([email protected])
SUBJECT: FOIA Request re Moon House murders

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Ian Ramsay and I’m a freelance journalist creating a podcast on the Moon House murders in Mud Lick, Alabama. I would like to see what is publicly available in the DA’s case file for reference material. Continue reading →

Professional Wrestling is best likened to a very physical form of dance, where participants put their lives in each other’s hands nightly.* Outcomes may be predetermined, but injuries are very real, and wrestlers maintain faith in each other every night that they’ll leave the arena unharmed.

Then there’s Jerome Young, better known as “New Jack.”**

A self-professed ex-bounty hunter with allegedly five justifiable homicides under his belt, New Jack was more of a psychotic thug than a wrestler. His “matches” usually featured victims getting bludgeoned with various weapons Jack would carry to the ring in a trash can. From computer keyboards to guitars filled with jock itch powder, New Jack never found an object he couldn’t swing at someone while Dr. Dre and Ice Cube’s “Natural Born Killaz” boomed in the background. Continue reading →

I recently stumbled on a book with a rather horrendous title. The book is “I Wish My Kids Had Cancer: A Family Surviving The Autism Epidemic.” Michael Alan, the book’s author, apparently has two children with autism and the tome “intimately, honestly, and powerfully, addresses the emotional, social, financial, political and medical aspects of a family fighting for their very existence.”

The title is tone deaf. The premise is idiotic. This twelve-year-old book’s been bashed so many times that addressing it further would be like beating a dead horse until the corpse squeaks. I am not concerned with the book or its substance, however.

Continue reading →

The Grassy Knoll Pub is one of two watering holes in Mud Lick. With decor best described as “delightfully tacky conspiracy theorist,” it attracts residents and out-of-towners who enjoy the proprietor’s rants, free with every pint. Plus, the walls nearest the restrooms are usually redecorated each week with a brand new collage of photos, newspaper clippings, thumbtacks and yarn strands.

One night, the proprietor, a man named Jesse Custer, noticed a new customer in his mid sixties with graying hair and an authoritative demeanor. Even more noticeable were the men in matching black suits and earpieces who accompanied this new customer into the Knoll.

Custer, a lapsed Southern Baptist minister turned barkeep, was far less detached from the world than most of Mud Lick’s citizenry. As the graying, tired man asked for a glass of Bowmore 18, Custer politely asked him to wait a moment, then turned to the Knoll’s doorman. Continue reading →

You’re going to hear enough about the impeachment trial all week next week, so I thought today we’d go through some various items of interest you might have missed.

1. Chief Justice Roberts used the phrase “OK Boomer’’ during oral arguments before the Supreme Court this week. According to court watchers, this was a test run for Roberts’ attempts to make Supreme Court opinions more accessible to millennials. Expect the Chief Justice to begin adding “yeet,” “on fleek,” “extra,” and “bougie” to future penned opinions.
2. Disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein’s legal team asked again for a change of venue, claiming there’s no way he can get a fair trial in Manhattan. The newly requested venue is apparently Snake Island. Continue reading →