I’m a bit tapped on jokes this week, so today we’re going to play a game. What follows is a collection of ridiculous stories arguably too fantastical to be true. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. I made it up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out which one of these stories is a lie. Don’t bother Googling—I’ll know. Trust me. Ignore the surveillance drones at your windows. Leave your answer in the comments below. The first correct poster gets an attaboy from me.

Let’s go! Continue reading →

Dear SJ Readership:

The last thing I wanted to do this week was bring you a batch of unsolicited opinions on a random variety of dumb subjects no one should really give a damn about (unless you agree with me). We’re all living through a scary world each day. People are reacting harshly in the oddest ways, and the last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat with some dumb unqualified hot takes.

My mean-ass editor, after multiple discussions this week, has convinced me otherwise. (Ed. Note: We never discussed this. I barely know this Seaton guy.) Apparently my unqualified opinions on random subjects no one gives a damn about are needed more than ever. So, without further ado, let’s cue the Unsolicited Opinions! Continue reading →

My mean-ass editor warned us all last week how visual “true crime” dramas could potentially undermine the justice system.

[Just] as [the power of visual drama] can be used to create the appearance of a documentary, of being able to watch as reality unfolds before your eyes, that appeals to your sensibilities, it can also be used to create the same false sense of reality that can be used to persuade you that an innocent person is [guilty.]

Tuesday’s broadcast of “Dark Side of the Ring,” the critically acclaimed Vice TV series produced by Jason Eisner and Evan Husney, proved him right. The latest installment, titled “Jimmy Snuka and the Death of Nancy Argentino” served as a vehicle to find James Reiher, better known by the moniker “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka*, guilty of murder in the court of public opinion. Continue reading →

[Camera up on a middle aged man in a suit and tie at the news desk]

ANCHOR: Good evening, I’m Chester Montgomery, and this is your PNN Evening News report.

Today members of the press got into a shouting match with the President and members of the COVID-19 Task Force over useless data and meaningless bunkum. The latest bout of name calling started when the President referred to Jim Acosta as a “mean-spirited no-good poopyhead.” No real information came from the briefing, and the same is expected for tomorrow. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Sticky sent me something interesting this week. I leave it here for the SJ readership to analyze. Sticky also asked me to pass along a message: if you’re using Zoom to work from home, make sure you’re not sharing any sensitive information on that platform.—CLS

TRANSCRIPT OF IN RE ROGER STRAIT, CAMPUS MISCONDUCT HEARING, EVERGREEN STATE

[Five faces appear in the Zoom meeting. One screen is distorted.]

DEAN WORMER: All right, it appears as all parties are here for this campus misconduct proceeding pursuant to Title IX. This hearing is In re Roger Strait, regarding sexual misconduct allegations filed by a party who for the purposes of this proceeding will be addressed as “Jane Doe.” We appreciate all parties participating in this proceeding. For the visually impaired, the parties are using jazz hands to signal their support. Continue reading →

Dear SJ Readers:

In these trying, uncertain times, we at Simple Justice want you to know we will be there for you. And since in many areas lawyers are considered “essential services,” after a few discussions with my mean-ass editor, I have great news to offer you. We’re hitting the road to help clients and fellow lawyers in need.

We’re retrofitting the old RV to become the Official SJ Mobile World Headquarters©. If you’ve got a criminal defense problem, just call us at our handy-dandy hotline, 1-888-GET-BENT. We’ll take your name, address, and phone number down and schedule you for a consultation when we get to your area or good and ready, whichever comes first. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Sticky’s Back! After weeks of silence, I finally saw Sticky Weeks back on our private Discord server with a brand new batch of leaks from the Mud Lick Sheriff. And this time he’s managed to hack into Sheriff Roy’s private journal! Enjoy—CLS

March 12, 2020

It is out of a desire to chronicle the madness engulfing our collective society I begin this journal. Panic is widespread in Mud Lick since word of COVID-19 hit our quiet little Southern town. The town elders tell us protocols in place since the Rand McNally Scourge will protect us. I am skeptical of their confidence.

Our one big box grocery store has cleaning products and hand sanitizer flying off the shelves. The mom and pop businesses are doing what they can to keep up with demands. Continue reading →

Dear SJ Readers:

After numerous discussions with my mean-ass editor this week, it is with a heavy heart that I  am forced to announce that the Friday Funny will be suspended, effective immediately, for at least seven days due to coronavirus concerns.

“But Chris,” you might say, “this is just a blog post chock full of your one-liners, silly zingers, and semi-fictional stories you write each week to make us smile!” I know, I know. This move is not taken lightly and out of an abundance of caution to keep you, the SJ reader, as healthy as possible. Continue reading →

Despite concerted efforts from local news media, friends, family, and acquaintances, a Grove Park man refuses to freak out about the coronavirus illness sweeping the globe causing numerous cases of illness and death.

Nathan Schultz, 35, a father of two and graphics design artist, was quoted as saying, “I get it, people are worried about the coronavirus thing. I just don’t see a reason to freak out about it especially when I’ve got two clients who need their projects finished by the end of the week.”

When asked about the letters of concern from his children’s school about the coronavirus, Schultz said, “I get they’re worried. I’m glad they’re looking out for the kids. So am I, and right now my biggest worry is making sure my daughter makes basketball practice on time tonight.” Continue reading →

Prefatory note: My mean-ass editor started the week with a post on a goaded judge, so I thought it would be fun to end the week with my all-time favorite story of a goaded judge and the lawyer who pissed him off. For reasons I’ll keep to myself, I’ll just say the following is a true story, with names and certain facts changed to protect the parties involved—CLS

Harrison “Harry” Blodgette was a trial attorney in Driftwood County, Alabama. Possessed with an over-the-top personality, an outspoken demeanor and a never-ending supply of bravado, Harry’s claim to local legal fame was bankrupting a Wal-Mart franchise over workers’ compensation issues. While that lawsuit lined Blodgette’s pockets and helped him start his own firm, the judgment and its residual effects left a bad taste in the mouth of many who lost jobs and a place to find goods at low prices. Continue reading →