Welcome to August, dear readers! My mean-ass editor and I have a lot in store for you today.

Wait, what? SHG’s not here? He left me here to entertain everyone?

Well shit. No pressure. So what do you want to talk about today? How about murder? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funnier than the slaughter of random civilians, right?

It’s just me? Well okay then, we’re going to talk about it anyway. Continue reading →

I attempted to take my dog outside Saturday afternoon and found an older woman in my yard jumping near a tree attempting to pick what appeared to be fruit from it.

“Excuse me, can I help you?” I asked the lady. She was in her mid to late fifties [Ed. Note: Older?!?] with curly brown hair done in a certain style perfected by old women’s beauty parlors in the South. She wore blue shorts and a tri-colored sleeveless shirt.

“Not unless you’re going to help me pick these peaches, fatbody” she replied. Continue reading →

“Muscles and Mayhem,” the Netflix docuseries about the game show “American Gladiators,” has my attention these days. Maybe it’s because I like having large segments of my childhood ruined. I mean honestly, it’s hard enough for me at times to swallow that many of the people I used to admire were on anabolic steroids—among other substances.

But then one asshole just took over the entire series, and I knew I needed to know more. His name was Elden Kidd.

I’m going to warn all of you in advance most of what I know about Elden Kidd is pieced together from interviews with the man and puff pieces written in places like GQ, so keep that in mind as you read this. Continue reading →

[Ed. Note: See here for Part I and here for Part II.]

If one called Belle Reeve Penitentiary in Louisiana a “shithole,” one would do no favors for shitholes. A better description of Belle Reeve might be “if a shithole and a third world country run by a tyrannical despot had a baby.” Often spoken of by guards as a black site where the most dangerous criminals were held by the federal government for participation in a top secret series of near-suicidal missions because handlers said so, Belle Reeve was an intimidating structure of concrete and black metal in the south of the state. Continue reading →

[Ed. Note: The first installment can be found here.]

Sheriff Roy needed a drink after his encounter with Aunt Cindy at Brauner’s, and he needed one in peace. Fortunately for the Sheriff, he knew people. One in particular owed him a bit of a favor.

He picked up the phone in his office and dialed a number. “Custer, it’s Sheriff Templeton. You remember when you said if I ever wanted to do a confessional you’d be there? How’s tonight at 7 sound?” Continue reading →

Brauner’s Country Market was a bit of a staple in Alabama life, especially for the folks in Driftwood County. Started by an Amish family that made their way south for a better life, the market was a sort of country store offering various handmade knickknacks and old time remedies for various ailments.

The most talked about feature of Brauner’s was the deli counter. Here one could purchase all manner of freshly made sandwiches served on bread baked that day. Such sublime sandwich artistry was highly regarded in Mud Lick, and it was these sandwiches that had Sheriff Roy Templeton at the door of Brauner’s with several slips of paper in hand—orders from other men and women at the Sheriff’s Department. Continue reading →

Hello, fellow movie lovers! It is I, your humble humorist, and today I’m attempting something I’ve never done before: a review of four movies at once. This week we’re taking a ride through the cinematic universe of John Wick. Buckle up, because this is going to be a bumpy and extremely bullet-ridden journey through all four installments of the Keanu Reeves-led action franchise.

I’ll get the pleasantries out of the way from the start. These are probably my favorite action films of the past decade. Make a point to see them. If you haven’t, you’re missing out on some of the most intense action scenes to ever grace celluloid. But let’s be completely honest here— the biggest positives of the series are Keanu Reeves making it cool to wear dark suits and dress shoes again, and John Wick taking out bad guys like he’s nonchalantly strolling through a park. Continue reading →

In the storied world of professional wrestling, few figures loom as large as the late Iron Sheik. Born on March 15, 1942, in Tehran, Iran, as Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, the Iron Sheik would go on to become one of the most iconic villains in the history of the business. As we take a moment to remember his life and legacy, it’s worth reflecting on how he shaped the world of wrestling and how he became a symbol of bravado, pride, and patriotism – albeit, one that was often controversial.

Sheik’s life story is one of perseverance and determination. Born into a working-class family, he showed an early aptitude for wrestling and quickly rose through the ranks of Iranian wrestling. He won his first national championship at 18 and went on to represent Iran in the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City. Vaziri even caught the eye of the Shah of Iran and served as the Shah’s personal bodyguard! Continue reading →

Greetings, dear readers of Simple Justice! Today, I want to delve into a fascinating story of a hoax that rocked the world of parapsychology and exposed the charlatans who peddled their wares as psychic phenomena. I am, of course, talking about the con game called “Project Alpha,” run by three magicians that exposed just how little rigor scientists apply to their methods when they want to believe something is true.

For the uninitiated, James Randi was a magician and skeptic who devoted his life to debunking claims of paranormal and supernatural abilities. He founded the James Randi Educational Foundation, which offered a million-dollar prize to anyone who could demonstrate their paranormal powers under scientific scrutiny. Though Randi has left this world, the James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) still stands, and that million dollar prize has never been collected. Continue reading →

Note: I hope you’ve enjoyed this little deviation from my normal work into the realm of the absurd as we all deal with the fallout of entitled dipshit Hollywood writers wanting more money to keep ChatGPT from writing first drafts for network sitcoms. This is the last time I try this shit.—CLS

ONE. A final letter never sent.

SHG: Continue reading →