This week, dear readers, we’re taking a break from Mud Lick and the usual shenanigans within to share a current events story combining several of my guilty pleasures: absurd humor, law, and professional wrestling.

Chris Irvine, better known as Chris Jericho, is a professional wrestling superstar, frontman for the heavy metal band Fozzy, and spokesperson for cat litter. On August 31, Jericho became the first ever All Elite Wrestling World Champion after beating “Hangman” Adam Page during All Elite’s “All Out” show in Chicago.

Sometime Sunday, the All Elite Championship was stolen. According to the police reports, Jericho flew from Chicago to Tallahassee and took a limo from the airport to a Longhorn Steakhouse, presumably to celebrate his championship win. Once at the Longhorn, Jericho realized he’d inadvertently left his luggage at the airport and asked the limo driver to fetch the correct luggage. Continue reading →

Deputy Miranda knocked on Sheriff Roy’s office door.

“Sheriff?”

“Yes, Deputy…um, “Si, Señor?”

Miranda sighed. “With all due respect, Sheriff, I don’t know if you’re screwing with me or if this is a good faith effort to show me some respect due to my Latinx heritage. You know I speak English fluently. You knew that when you hired me.” Continue reading →

I obtained the following emails on a private Discord server from someone with the online handle “StickyWeeks.” After thorough vetting, I am convinced these emails are from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. In the interests of full public disclosure, I provide them to you, the loyal SJ readership.—CLS

August 5, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Highway Cleanup Vest Alterations

Hello everyone: Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Sheriff Roy emailed me a copy of the following document he found on Deputy Tyrone’s desk scrawled in crayon. He asked me if he should be concerned. I told Sheriff Roy I’d put a transcript on SJ and let the public decide.

A is for Arrest, I like to do to stiffs
B is for Baton, this tool I club you with
C is for Criminals, all are bad guys
D is for Defendant, people who always lie Continue reading →

Mud Lick, Alabama Sheriff Roy Templeton finally had a moment of peace. He’d managed to catch up on all of his paperwork, the department’s bullpen was silent, and he was lost in his dog-eared copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.

Then the phone rang.

“Hey Sheriff, it’s Buford MacElroy from Garage 66,” the voice said over the phone. “We’ve got one of your cruisers in the shop and a bullet hole’s in the windshield.” Continue reading →

Vengeance is not justice. You would think career prosecutors would know this, since Justice Robert Jackson famously admonished them to seek the latter. Unfortunately, prosecutors in my backyard are currently pursuing a case of nothing less than full-blown country vengeance, ripping open a twelve-year-old community wound in the process.

Eric Boyd’s murder trial started this week. Boyd is accused of horrifically raping, torturing, and murdering two UT College students, Channon Christian and Christopher Newsom, twelve years ago. Three other defendants accused of participating in the nightmarish crime are currently serving sentences amounting to life plus cancer. One is on death row.

Boyd, however, is currently on year ten of an eighteen year federal bit for harboring the alleged ringleader of this crime, Lemaricus Davidson. Continue reading →

Kamala Harris’s Presidential campaign is dead. Tulsi Gabbard struck the fatal blow at a recent CNN debate. Please feel free to watch Ms. Harris’s campaign sputter out and die.

When Kamala Harris announced her run for the Presidency, I was honestly shocked. After all, when you run for the nation’s highest office, you’re practically begging people to dig up every particle of dirt they can on your past. It’s one reason why I’m afraid good, honest people don’t seek political office these days. Continue reading →

The silliness of this week almost meant no new Friday Funny. From a human rights tribunal musing over whether waxing a transgender woman’s testicles was a fundament right to the Bob Muller Comedy Hour, your humble writer felt the world maxed out on pure silliness. Then Erica Thomas’s story fell into my lap, and immediately I thanked the comedy gods.

Erica Thomas** is a Georgia representative, woman of color, mother, and a shopper at Publix. Now I’m by nature suspicious of people who shop at Publix, because despite their excellent customer service and the local store being the one place in town I can get a certain kind of spaetzle my better half prefers, Publix’s prices are rather inflated. So by nature, anyone who frequents a Publix has more money than sense.

Apparently on July 19, Representative Thomas had a bad day at the local Publix. In a video posted to Facebook, Thomas claimed tearfully that she’d been in the express checkout lane with fifteen items when an “angry white man” told her she was over the ten item express checkout limit. Continue reading →

The presumption of innocence died this week in America when the unduly passionate masses collectively agreed that while some people might have been wrongfully accused of crimes they didn’t commit, That Rat Bastard is Totally Guilty.

Though the familial relationship is not explicitly known, the presumption is preceded in death by the Third, Sixth, Eighth, Ninth, and Tenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.

Known surviving relatives are the First, Second, Fourth, and Fifth Amendments, though the health status of each is questionable. Continue reading →

This week I want to share with you an opinion I find fascinating and stupid. The case is Massey v. Jim Crockett Promotions, Inc.,  400 S.E.2d 876 (1990).

The case is fascinating because it is a court case involving pro wrestling that actually made its way to the Supreme Court of Appeals of West Virginia.* One can only imagine the rumblings in the heads of the justices about career paths when the record in this case hit their desks.

It’s stupid because the case never should have gone to trial. This is the kind of situation promoters feared, because one question they’d inevitably get asked under oath was certainly, “Are the outcomes of the matches at your events pre-determined?”** It all could’ve been avoided if Crockett Promotions paid Roy Massey’s hospital bills after Lane knocked a disabled coal miner out. Continue reading →