It’s October, which means there’s probably another installment of “The Purge” franchise coming to theaters. If you’ve not seen “The Purge” movies, it’s set in an alternate America run by a political faction called “The New Founding Fathers of America” (NFFA). One night a year, first responders get the night off, and from sundown to sunup, all crime is legal.

“The Purge” makes easy money because it’s a campy slasher series at heart. It’s also incredibly lazy writing. The writers automatically revert to everyone wanting to rape and murder everyone in sight, because if you don’t have a body count in a horror movie apparently there’s no point.

Which is really quite sad, because there’s plenty of fun things a person could do if all crime were legal for an evening. Some ventures don’t have to be violent, and could prove to be quite profitable if you’re creative. Continue reading →

This year’s Emmy for Writing in a Variety Special went to Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special “Nanette.” If you haven’t seen “Nanette,” critics will tell you to drop everything and go view it immediately. It is a rare feat to reach a critic score of “100% Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and “Nanette” holds that honor as well.

Curiously, over a thousand people who saw Nanette took the time to leave a review on Rotten Tomatoes. While forty six critics gave “Nanette” a “100% Certified Fresh” rating, the 1,290 audience reviewers panned it with a 27% rating overall.

Let’s compare this year’s crowned comedic champion with a recently released special by veteran funnyman Dave Chappelle. Seventeen critics panned “Sticks & Stones” with a total rating of 35%, while 37,739 audience reviewers currently have it sitting at an overall 99% positive score. Continue reading →

Have a legal question? Want it answered free of charge? Well, it’s 2019 and the internet is a thing, so there’s no shortage of websites that will let you have just that. Countless areas exist for people to anonymously ask their legal question in the hopes lawyers will answer it. In many cases, on some sites, real lawyers actually will.

It doesn’t matter that the lawyer you’re posing a criminal defense question to primarily practices bankruptcy or property law. As long as they have a bar card, some sites will call them qualified, let them respond to you inquiry and tempt the poor schmuck who dared pen a response to your question to offer you a free consultation for their time and effort.

It’s Friday, and it’s time to get a laugh in, so for this week’s Funny I’ve culled a selection of free legal questions from various sites and I’m going to answer them. Horribly. Before I go any further, I want it clear that none of this is actual legal advice. This is the Friday Funny, and I already mentioned I’m answering these questions horribly. If you read this and then take one iota of my answers seriously, go get your head examined. Continue reading →

Prefatory note: I received another batch of emails from my source “StickWeeks” on a private Discord server. Since I’ve had a strong suspicion Sheriff Roy or someone in his office has been tailing me this week, I’m releasing these emails to the SJ readership.

SHG: If you don’t hear from me this week, release the copy of the restraining order I sent you.—CLS

August 31, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Opening Day in Knoxville

Good evening, everyone: Continue reading →

Last Friday I shared the ridiculous story of Chris Jericho and the “stolen” All Elite Wrestling World Championship belt. This week, the story’s gotten more ridiculous, and I would be remiss if I didn’t provide the SJ readership with the Paul Harvey* on the matter.

Turns out the Tallahassee Police Department doesn’t deserve credit for recovering the AEW World Title. A well-intentioned Florida Man celebrating his 41st birthday deserves Mr. Jericho’s gratitude.

Frank Price, listed as the assistant director for the Florida Natural Areas Inventory at Florida State University, spotted a scuffed up velvet bag in a turn lane while returning home from a scalloping** expedition with friends on his birthday. Continue reading →

This week, dear readers, we’re taking a break from Mud Lick and the usual shenanigans within to share a current events story combining several of my guilty pleasures: absurd humor, law, and professional wrestling.

Chris Irvine, better known as Chris Jericho, is a professional wrestling superstar, frontman for the heavy metal band Fozzy, and spokesperson for cat litter. On August 31, Jericho became the first ever All Elite Wrestling World Champion after beating “Hangman” Adam Page during All Elite’s “All Out” show in Chicago.

Sometime Sunday, the All Elite Championship was stolen. According to the police reports, Jericho flew from Chicago to Tallahassee and took a limo from the airport to a Longhorn Steakhouse, presumably to celebrate his championship win. Once at the Longhorn, Jericho realized he’d inadvertently left his luggage at the airport and asked the limo driver to fetch the correct luggage. Continue reading →

Deputy Miranda knocked on Sheriff Roy’s office door.

“Sheriff?”

“Yes, Deputy…um, “Si, Señor?”

Miranda sighed. “With all due respect, Sheriff, I don’t know if you’re screwing with me or if this is a good faith effort to show me some respect due to my Latinx heritage. You know I speak English fluently. You knew that when you hired me.” Continue reading →

I obtained the following emails on a private Discord server from someone with the online handle “StickyWeeks.” After thorough vetting, I am convinced these emails are from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. In the interests of full public disclosure, I provide them to you, the loyal SJ readership.—CLS

August 5, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Highway Cleanup Vest Alterations

Hello everyone: Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Sheriff Roy emailed me a copy of the following document he found on Deputy Tyrone’s desk scrawled in crayon. He asked me if he should be concerned. I told Sheriff Roy I’d put a transcript on SJ and let the public decide.

A is for Arrest, I like to do to stiffs
B is for Baton, this tool I club you with
C is for Criminals, all are bad guys
D is for Defendant, people who always lie Continue reading →

Mud Lick, Alabama Sheriff Roy Templeton finally had a moment of peace. He’d managed to catch up on all of his paperwork, the department’s bullpen was silent, and he was lost in his dog-eared copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.

Then the phone rang.

“Hey Sheriff, it’s Buford MacElroy from Garage 66,” the voice said over the phone. “We’ve got one of your cruisers in the shop and a bullet hole’s in the windshield.” Continue reading →