Sheriff Roy Templeton noticed two things on arriving at the scene of the incident.

The first was that Farmer Jesse Burkitt’s prize Holstein was very dead.

The second was the cow apparently met its demise when something (it had to be a something, Sheriff Roy thought) sucked its innards out through its rectal area.

“Deputy Miranda, what do we have here?” Sheriff Roy asked his second in command. Continue reading →

It is Groundhog Day in the year 2024.

For the first time in the company’s history, no one named McMahon is in charge at World Wrestling Entertainment. And for the first time in forty years, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the guy who essentially nationalized professional wrestling in America, has nothing to do with the company that made him a billionaire.

This whole damn situation is wild and it’s only going to get more interesting as time goes on. Continue reading →

Friends, we gather here on this blessed December day to send the year 2023 off into the sunset. It’s been an interesting year, and one with a lot to cover in what’s arguably the biggest post I do here all year So let’s get to the jokes, shall we?

Speed is the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of 2023. Specifically, the speed at which this year seemed to transpire and the speed at which the world seemed to catch on fire. Paying attention to this year, one could liken it to two grumpy puppies fighting in a dog crate. At one moment they’re sleeping, then they’re fighting and snarling at each other like mortal enemies. The difference between 2023 and two angry puppies, however, is the puppies eventually get bored and go back to sleep.

Let’s set the wayback machine to Continue reading →

We’re approaching October, and that means it’s time for my yearly guide to a stress free, happy Halloween for all readers of the Friday Funny.

If you’ve been reading my work for the last two years, you know by now I love Halloween. It’s fun to watch the kids get dressed up and roam the neighborhood with other children in search of the best candy hauls that evening. It’s a fun night where kids and their parents can let loose a little and just have fun with ghouls, ghosts and things that go bump in the night. Continue reading →

Prefatory note: The following are excerpts from a pamphlet I found in a gas station bathroom in White Pine, Tennessee titled “Get Jobbed: Buford Fink’s Guide to Gainful Employment.” A number on the back of said pamphlet offered life coaching if one called 1-900-U-JOBBER.

I present this to your without further comment.—CLS

Your goal when seeking employment is to fill out as many job applications as you can each day. Volume is more important than quality. You can’t be too choosy when trying to get a new job. Since you’re aiming for a high volume of job applications, don’t actually bother reading the job listings. Reading’s for suckers and all you really need to know is who and where to send your resume. Continue reading →

A veteran goes into a job interview with the USDA.

He sits down with the interviewer. “This is pretty straightforward,” the interviewer says. “I’ll ask you some questions. Your answers will be assigned points. If you get enough points you get the job. Make sense?”

The veteran nods.

“We can start with an obvious one. You’re a veteran, so that’s five points. Do you have any allergies?”

“I’m allergic to coffee,” the veteran replies.

“Okay, that’s another five points. Do you have any disabilities?”

“Yeah, sort of. I lost both of my testicles in an IED explosion in Afghanistan.”

The interviewer checks off another box and says “Okay, that’s fifteen points total. I can definitely offer you the job. It’s from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday but I want you to come in at 10 on Monday.”

“Why ten if it’s from eight to five?” the veteran asks.

“Sir, this is a government job. All we do for the first two hours each day is drink coffee and scratch our balls, and since you can’t do either…”

It’s the close of World War 2 and an American soldier is on a train going from France to England.

He searches for an empty seat on the train—he’s quite tired from all the fighting—but there’s nothing to be had. The closest thing he can spot to an empty seat is one being occupied by a high society lady’s frou-frou dog.

“Ma’am,” the soldier says as he approaches the woman, “I’m on my way home from the war, there’s not another seat on this train, and I’m so very tired. Could you please move your dog so I can sit down?”

The woman scoffs indignantly. “Americans! So rude and presumptuous!”

The solider hears this, decides he wants nothing to do with the woman, so he makes another lap of the train. With no seats becoming available, he finds himself back in front of the high society lady.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you again, but there’s no other seats on this train. I’m extremely tired and just want to sit for a little while. Could you please move your dog?”

Again the woman scoffs indignantly. “It looks like Americans can’t take no for an answer either!”

On hearing this the soldier closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. After uttering a short prayer to God asking forgiveness, he then picks up the dog, throws the yappy little mutt out of the train window, and finally sits down to rest.

The woman screams for someone on the train to defend her honor.

A British gentleman who witnessed everything approaches the soldier. Shaking his head, he says “My dear boy, you Americans seem to have a knack for doing everything the wrong way. You eat food with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now you’ve gone and thrown the wrong bitch off the train!”

I know I said two. Here’s one more I just thought of.

A man orders a latte at Starbucks. He takes a sip and immediately spits it out.

“Ma’am? This coffee tastes like mud,” he complains to the barista.

The barista shrugs her shoulders and says “Well, it was just ground this morning!”

That should get us through the day. If anyone’s got any decent jokes, feel free to share ‘em.

Happy Friday, everyone! Remember, no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you weren’t a nearly eighty year old white guy with a Snidely Whiplash mustache spotted at the New York Stock Exchange in a lavender suit and doo-rag!

We’ll see you next week!

The story of Bash at the Beach 2000 is a bit of a convoluted one for several reasons. First, the people involved are pro wrestlers, which means everyone’s lying about something. Second, what happened in July 23 years ago basically led to the death of World Championship Wrestling (WCW) and Vince McMahon’s nearly 40 year stranglehold on the wrestling business.

It’s still worth telling because it’s the story of how several bad decisions killed a company whose world title lineage could arguably be traced back to the days of Abraham Lincoln. Plus it’s just a doozy of a tale involving several dumbasses. Continue reading →

Welcome to August, dear readers! My mean-ass editor and I have a lot in store for you today.

Wait, what? SHG’s not here? He left me here to entertain everyone?

Well shit. No pressure. So what do you want to talk about today? How about murder? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funnier than the slaughter of random civilians, right?

It’s just me? Well okay then, we’re going to talk about it anyway. Continue reading →

I attempted to take my dog outside Saturday afternoon and found an older woman in my yard jumping near a tree attempting to pick what appeared to be fruit from it.

“Excuse me, can I help you?” I asked the lady. She was in her mid to late fifties [Ed. Note: Older?!?] with curly brown hair done in a certain style perfected by old women’s beauty parlors in the South. She wore blue shorts and a tri-colored sleeveless shirt.

“Not unless you’re going to help me pick these peaches, fatbody” she replied. Continue reading →

“Muscles and Mayhem,” the Netflix docuseries about the game show “American Gladiators,” has my attention these days. Maybe it’s because I like having large segments of my childhood ruined. I mean honestly, it’s hard enough for me at times to swallow that many of the people I used to admire were on anabolic steroids—among other substances.

But then one asshole just took over the entire series, and I knew I needed to know more. His name was Elden Kidd.

I’m going to warn all of you in advance most of what I know about Elden Kidd is pieced together from interviews with the man and puff pieces written in places like GQ, so keep that in mind as you read this. Continue reading →