Seaton: Lock Down In Mud Lick

Prefatory Note: Sticky’s Back! After weeks of silence, I finally saw Sticky Weeks back on our private Discord server with a brand new batch of leaks from the Mud Lick Sheriff. And this time he’s managed to hack into Sheriff Roy’s private journal! Enjoy—CLS

March 12, 2020

It is out of a desire to chronicle the madness engulfing our collective society I begin this journal. Panic is widespread in Mud Lick since word of COVID-19 hit our quiet little Southern town. The town elders tell us protocols in place since the Rand McNally Scourge will protect us. I am skeptical of their confidence.

Our one big box grocery store has cleaning products and hand sanitizer flying off the shelves. The mom and pop businesses are doing what they can to keep up with demands.20

Schools are still open right now, so at least for the time being Roy Junior is getting his education. That’s a boon, I guess.

All of my personnel are still active keeping the streets of Mud Lick safe.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 13, 2020

Roy Junior’s school took an extra day off for Spring Break “to get a head start on deep cleaning.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to hit the Google Machine and find out if we need to do the same at the Sheriff’s Department.

Deputy Miranda sent word Old Man Cocke’s suspended the Cocke Fights until further notice. While that will hurt their income, at least it’ll keep my numskull Fire Chief brother from having to supervise those events.

The Grassy Knoll Pub’s let us know they’re switching to deliveries only, with service staff leaving orders at the door. Since they’re a bar, I don’t know what good this will do, but at least folks have their options.

Driftwood County Court’s suspended all in-person hearings by order of the Alabama Supreme Court. One of our local judges got some fool ideas from a goddamn Yankee lawyer and ordered the release of all pretrial detainees shy of a Class B Felony. So much for the fairness and impartiality of our judges. I had no idea they’d ever side with criminals.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 14, 2020

We had an incident today at the S-Mart. Two grown women were fighting over toilet paper. Of all the things someone would buy during a panic over a virus, I don’t understand why toilet paper would be an issue. From what I read, it’s not like the virus causes gastrointestinal problems.

We’re keeping a tight schedule at the Sheriff’s Department. Anyone with signs of illness gets a week off. I told my staff if they were even thinking of coming in with anything remotely resembling an illness they’d be fired for insubordination.

Old Doc Butler, the town veterinarian, says it’s important to remember dogs and cats can’t get the coronavirus. He didn’t mention livestock though, and I think people are worried to take their pets to him because he’s in the most at-risk demographic.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 15, 2020

We’re descending into new levels of hell each day. I just got word they’re suspending college basketball until further notice. March Madness is cancelled this year. Worse still. the Kentucky Derby’s been moved to September. Is nothing left of polite society?

At least there’s some good news to share today. Deputy Tyrone Wentzel’s started working for some newfangled company called DoorBite. He’s picking up food for people and delivering it to their homes since we have to practice this “social distancing” stuff.

Judges are having court hearings again through phone calls and computers.

Times are changing each day. Hopefully for the better.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 16, 2020

Braved a visit to the S-Mart today with Roy Junior. I went in uniform, armed, in case someone tried to shake my hand. I ended up arresting two brothers who were attempting to sell hand sanitizer out of their pickup truck for $40 a bottle. We’re more civil than that in Mud Lick.

Called Deputy Tyrone today to see how the new food delivery service was going. He just kept wishing me a “Happy Three Sixteen Day.” I tried correcting him but to no avail.

Sports are all canceled. Retail stores are closing down indefinitely. The people from the WHO on the news say all this is important. I say bullshit.

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I’ll end today’s entry on this note: This virus did to our country in less than a week what the Taliban would love to have accomplished. And we helped.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 17, 2020

Doorbit fired Deputy Tyrone yesterday.

Apparently he was a fan of some professional wrestler named “Stone Cold Steve Austin” and for reasons unbeknownst to me March 16th is some kind of holiday dedicated to this man. During a delivery, Deputy Tyrone greeted his customer by smashing him in the head with a full can of Budweiser beer, performing something called a “Stone Cold Stunner” to the poor man, then shotgunning the beer at the customer’s doorstep.

I tried to teach the deputy better manners than that. Guess it never stuck.

He’s back on desk duty today and helping deep clean the Sheriff’s Department.

Word from Tuscaloosa is the Crimson Tide might postpone opening day for Football.

These are the times that try men’s souls.

That’s all for now.
—Sheriff Roy

March 18, 2020

Roy Junior showed me a video on the Twitters from Florida. It was full of young people not taking this pandemic seriously. They were out looking to get drunk, party, and swarm the beaches while neglecting the health and safety of others.

This is Alabama, not Florida. We respect the law here, and we care for our neighbors’ personal health and safety.

Our town elders have reinstated the Rand McNally Safeguards. We’re mandating people only travel when absolutely necessary. Supply trucks and shipments of goods are the only vehicles allowed in and out of Driftwood County.

Anyone in that Twitter video will be shot on sight.

This may be the most difficult time in my tenure as Mud Lick Sheriff, but something must be done.

That’s all for now. Mud Lick is officially on lockdown.

—Sheriff Roy

8 thoughts on “Seaton: Lock Down In Mud Lick

  1. Howl

    Sheriff, I hope y’all ain’t thinking of cancelling your summer tour. We always look forward to your annual appearance at the Dismal Seepage Arkansas Catfish Festival.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      I’m sure they’ll open drive-through units soon enough. Until then, the S-Mart will be the default battleground for paper products in Mud Lick.

      Reply
  2. L. Phillips

    “Goddamn Yankee lawyer”, eh? I see a tutorial in your future on the ancient advice that he who would wound the king had better succeed in killing him.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      My mean-ass editor and I have a great deal of respect for each other. As such, I keep to our custom of three insults hurled per compliment uttered. Keeps a person humble!

      Reply
  3. shenebraskan

    Hope this comment is not too off-topic. Awhile back, a kickstarter was described for an original card game called “Pass the Anthrax.” I subscribed and have received the game, and wanted to re-up that message to anyone else who might want something non-electronic to do during these troubled times.

    Note to the editor: I did use the search feature, but was unable to locate the original post.

    Description is at Daywalk3r.com.

    Reply

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