Seaton: But His Emails (NFL Edition)

Prefatory note: my hacker contact, BlueDragon72, who totally isn’t TechDirt’s Tim Cushing, sent me this today. I think y’all will like this. –CLS

May 1, 2021
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: Belichick, Bill ([email protected])
SUBJECT: QB Problem

Dear Coach Belichick:

You don’t know me, but I feel like we’ve got a connection because of your relationship with Coach Saban of our Blessed Alabama Crimson Tide. One of my deputies got your email address during the NFL Draft. I write to you to ask you a crucial question.

Why are you starting Cam Newton when you could start Mac Jones?

Mac’s the next Tom Brady, Coach. Coach Sabin groomed him in the Patriot Way while he played at the school Jesus built, the University of Alabama. No matter the receiver he’ll put the ball where it needs to go.

Contrast that with Mr. Newton, who didn’t even get you to the playoffs and was wildly inconsistent last season. Plus he needs a haircut.

Mac Jones is what the kids call “the new hotness.” Cam Newton is what Roy Junior calls “Old and Busted.”

So please think about benching Cam when he botches a play in the first quarter of the opening game. Then put Mac Jones in and show Cam he needs to earn his spot.

But he won’t, because Cam didn’t attend Alabama.

You won’t be sorry if you follow my advice, Coach Belichick.

But treat Mac Jones wrong and if you’re ever in my jurisdiction I’ll make sure we meet based on a pretextual stop.

Ask Brian Stelter what happened when he crossed me.

Fraternally,
–Sheriff Roy

10 thoughts on “Seaton: But His Emails (NFL Edition)”

  2. Elpey P.

    “Ask Brian Setzer what happened when he crossed me.”

    Got a shoe thrown at him
    from a mean old man?

  3. MIKE GUENTHER

    Come on Mr. Seaton! Sheriff Roy is just jealous of Cam Newton because he chose that other backwater Alabama university.

    And if Mac Jones wants to join other illustrious ‘Bama QB’s like Broadway Joe, Bart Starr and Ken “The Snake” Stabler, he must spend his time on the bench studying his more experienced peers.

    And yes, Jesus did build the University of Alabama…as a school for wayward children.;)

    1. CLS

      Sheriff’s as opinionated as everyone else on football.

      And don’t speak of the University of Alabama if you’re ever in Mud Lick like that.

Comments are closed.